Tired of all this discourse. I know that I am supposed to be the strong one. Oh, Mari, she can survive anything. She's tough. Look at all she's survived in her life. I don't feel so strong anymore. Family is supposed to stick together. We have our spouses and our kids, and despite and because of them, we, as a family, are supposed to be stronger than ever. That, however is not the case right now. There are words that are said in anger and confusion that carry no weight. At least they shouldn't. Instead of dealing with the problems, coming to a compromise, and moving on together...there are secrets being told, loud avoidance, and deliberate deceptions. This is not our family. This is not how we were raised to deal with problems. We face our problems head on and keep on dealing with them until some resolve is made and we can move on together in peace. What happened to forgiveness? What happened to unconditional love? I am tired of all the fighting and stress. My physician's keep telling me that my seizures are being caused by all the stress that I am under. Apparently stress raises cortisol levels which in turn raises blood sugar levels and also causes increase in seizure activity and intensity. All this bullshit that is happening in my family is literally making me sick and killing me. That, however, isn't really my main concern. I don't know if it's a side effect of my meds or my bi-polarism, but I couldn't give less of a care about me right now. My concern is how or if my family is going to make it through this crap. I don't see how when three of the main players are seemingly doing everything to hide, avoid, deceive, ignore, and pretend like nothing is going on. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I am tired. My mind is weak. My body is taxed. My heart hurts.

The things in life that once were solid as iron rods have become as frail as the tiny gossamer wings of the butterflies I love so dear. My fear and my pride cause me to reach out for and grip all those things that once I could gain control of without a moment's pause. They slide through my finger tips crumbling into yesterdays hopes and today's regrets. frustration and despair are my constant companions as of late. Two steps forward, and five seizured steps back. I watch, as if from the sidelines, the lives of my family and friends. Their adventures, family milestones, their day to day happenings, and I feel so far  removed from them, from a "normal" life. A haze of medications and more medications to counteract the side effects of the new medications. Living in fear of the next time. Will it? Won't it? Alone time is non-existent. supervised showers, changing my clothes, everything I do, everywhere I go...Have to keep me safe. Can't chance further hurting myself or reinjuring my still healing brain. I feel tired. Lonely. Disappointed in myself. Disillusioned. Done. The fighter in me feels already beaten. How do I keep on? Ugh, I just do.