Behind the Mask

You're always so perfect. You're always so right. Your way is the only way. Your opinion is the only opinion. You always take the high road. You never do anything wrong. Your thought process is always perfection. You always make the right decision. You never lie. You never exaggerate. You are always just. You

FIRE!

Pent up. Locked in. Feeling like I want to forget.
Forget you. Forget me. Forget it.
Get a life. Get a clue.
Run away. Escape sublime.
Erase the white board of my life.
It's not dry erase. Can't start over. Can't reset.
Living life with regret isn't living at all.

While walking in the barrio, I met a bear

He sat there, head down concentrating on classwork. I tried in vain to get his attention, and in a final attempt I scribbled onto pieces of paper all sorts of probing questions that were ever so important in my teenage mind. Balling up my little notes I commenced a paper ball assault on him. With an amused look on his face he picked up the balled up pieces of paper and traced their source back to me. That was it. I had no idea at that time that a chain reaction had started between me and this boy that would, twenty years later, bring me back to life.
We were both Juniors in high school and attending night classes to earn graduating credits. He was handsome, shy, and kept mostly to himself. A quiet, gentle soul with eyes so piercing that I often times would shy away from his gaze for fear that he would burn a hole right through me. He would walk me home almost every night after class. What stands out the most in my memory, is how easy it was to be with him.  Our conversations came without effort, our interaction with one another was so easy and natural. He awakened in me a feeling that, up until that time, I had never felt. Ever the gentleman, he always treated me with the utmost respect and kindness. What started out a slight flirtation was quickly becoming for me, something so much more than friendship.
There are moments you remember all your life that you carry with you for all times. We were so young and full of idealistic dreams. My school days passed in a whirlwind of faces, locker combinations, dramatics, and friends. As time for night school approached the whirlwinds would begin to slow. He would walk into the classroom and suddenly it was just he and I as the world buzzed all around us. There was something about him. I am not sure if it was his quiet confidence, or the way he held himself, or maybe it was just the intensity in his eyes. Whatever it was he had me captivated.

dot, dot, dot

for all life's hurt and pain, it can be so easy to lose your way
your skin gets tough, your heart grows hard, and you surround yourself with walls
you see the world through jaded eyes, with cynic views, and cloudy skies
with each new hurt you learn to hide the person you truly are inside

In night's embrace, the tears will fall. You scream, you cry, you punch the wall
You guard yourself more carefully You learn to love more sparingly
you wear your masks, you act the part, but no one really knows your heart
all the pain you hold it dear, it makes you cold, it causes fear

You hide within the shadows, you begin lurking in the dark
the night becomes your only friend, you shun the light, let coldness in

people around you start to see and wonder what has become of thee
protected from life's hurt and pain, you are also far from lover's lane

Gatekeeper

Cloudy skies are what's always above me
Streaks from the sun do break through now and then
Most of my days it seems darkness surrounds me
Try as I might, the light rarely gets in

For years now I've struggled to find any meaning
To all these delusions that life seems give
I've hidden, I've masked them, I've tried to escape them
Sleepless nights crying not wanting to live

As time went on, the fight slowly left me
Broken and beaten, and I failed to care
I gave in to darkness, I gave in to temptations
Consumed with a self hate that was difficult to bare

I walked around like a zombie, like a sad, soulless monster
The life force within me was now way beyond dim
I sat and I wallowed so deep in the mud now
I opened my veins and I let evil in

My loved ones they cried out in hopes I would listen
I picked myself up, still no hope could I feel
The blood that had poured out was now dry and crusty
I began the hard task of seeing what's real

Though my life had restarted and my light was returning
The coldness I felt had somehow become kin
Still searching and searching for what I knew not of
I just hoped that the darkness was gone from within

I hoped and I prayed for someone that could love me
Despite all my screwups and mistakes in my past
The fears that I nurtured for so many years now
Made it difficult for me to build anything to last

Yet somehow through all this, God smiled upon me
He brought me a love that no one could deny
He lifted my soul up from the dark and the rancor
He blessed me with a love that he assured was no lie

Then suddenly with no warning the light inside brightened
All hope I had lost came flooding back in
This man, he was searching, and somehow he found me
He reached out for my hand and my heart he did win

So with faith I face forward no longer with fear now
A long life with him beside me is all that I need
The terror, the sadness, the hate that had filled me
Was now being erased with love's powerful seed

The keys to my heart he has in his posession
He loves me despite all the darkness I've seen
He sheds light to my sadness and makes me feel lovely
I look forward to the day when he takes me as his

I love him, I need him, He is everything to me
The mere sound of his voice, it fills me with peace
To him I'll be faithful with love, life, and laughter
I wish I had known all this time he held keys

See Me

Thoughts filled with dreams of you
With dreams of what we two could be
But truth is seen in harsh reality
The truth is there's no you and me

All my hope and all my prayers
Are held to help bring you my way
But all the tears and all my fears
Are what I think will come to me

I am not dumb, I am not blind
I see too well I'm not your kind
My looks, my ways are not your dream
But yet my traits are what you need

If only you could close your eyes
My beauty you'd see deep inside
My soul it calls out loud to you
Your soul it reaches for mine too

Try to see me with your heart
For this way you can know who I am
It is in this way I can transform
And be who it is you want to see

Only through love's bird's eye view
will my inner beauty shine
To finally surpass all of the dreams
Where I am yours and you are mine

For My Sister

I remember when I first met her. She was this shy 15yr old girl in overalls. Looking very bored, but with a quiet, intense look in her eyes. She had come with her mother to our hula class, and sat with her sister on the bleachers in the gym. I had no idea at that point what a huge influence and positive affect she would have on my life. It’s funny how life’s tide can bring the most wonderful unexpected surprises to your shore.

This girl with this quiet confidence had entered my life in the most unusual way. Her mother belonged to our halau, and was friends with my sister and I. At first our exposure to one another was limited at best. We would go to her home to practice hula and socialize. She seemed to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders at times. It made you want to reach out and try to ease whatever burden it was that she carried.

The first time I saw this young girl dance, I remember being taken aback by the sheer beauty she communicated. She danced with such feeling and grace that I almost felt envy as she easily performed the hulas I struggled so hard to get through. There was something about her. Something in her aura that let you know there was more to her than meets the eye. There was also something else about her that was always just under the surface. Something so palpable was present in her that you couldn’t help but feel it. She radiated such strength and beauty that I don’t even think she knew she had.

It seemed almost seamless to me how she became a part of my life. She would be at my sister’s house just hanging out. She was with us at family gatherings like she had always belonged there. She was, unbeknownst to us, a missing part to our family puzzle. She became the daughter and best friend my sister had spent so many nights praying for. The loving and caring daughter my parents needed to round out their brood. She even became the little sister my brother and I never knew we so badly wanted. She was another loving, doting aunt to our nieces and nephews. This young woman, no longer a girl, was ours. She was now an integral part of our family. She completed us all.

Elisabeth Ku’ulei Baetz, my sister. She is my voice of reason when I have no reason left. She is my strength when I am weakest. She is the light in my day when I’m stuck in the dark. She is there to lend me her support even when I am insistent that I don’t need or want it.  She makes me laugh, cry, angry, and happy; as a little sister does. Her mere presence in my life makes me feel blessed beyond all reason. She is beautiful, intelligent, mature beyond her years, loving, caring, giving, and all those amazing virtues anyone would want a daughter, sister, niece, aunt, friend, and loved one to have.

Liz, that quiet little girl that I met so many years ago, has meant more to me, in my life, than so many so called “somebody’s.” If there was a way for me to take all the pain, all the disappointments, all the struggles that she may go through in her life, and bear them myself I would. I thank God everyday for bringing her into our life. Today is her 29^th birthday, and I pray that this is her best year yet. I hope God blesses her the way she has blessed me. I’m not the best at expressing my feelings, but I hope she knows how much I love her, how much she means to me, how proud I am of her, and how honored I am to call her my sister. Happy Birthday, Liz!