Again or Still?

Burning flame in my finger tips

Like licks of fire that feed the flame of my mind

There's no control

No rhyme

Pouring out of me like so many tears that I've hidden

Some angry

Some sad

Some happy

All seem misplaced

Jumble of thoughts and mashed up emotions

Crazed

Supercalifragalistic

What is going on

It's been such a long time

I feel the quickening of my blood

Watch me as I set myself ablaze..

Me

So many thoughts swirling around in the whirlpool of my mind. Not all of it is logical or based in reality. It simply just is.

Behind the Mask

You're always so perfect. You're always so right. Your way is the only way. Your opinion is the only opinion. You always take the high road. You never do anything wrong. Your thought process is always perfection. You always make the right decision. You never lie. You never exaggerate. You are always just. You

FIRE!

Pent up. Locked in. Feeling like I want to forget.
Forget you. Forget me. Forget it.
Get a life. Get a clue.
Run away. Escape sublime.
Erase the white board of my life.
It's not dry erase. Can't start over. Can't reset.
Living life with regret isn't living at all.

While walking in the barrio, I met a bear

He sat there, head down concentrating on classwork. I tried in vain to get his attention, and in a final attempt I scribbled onto pieces of paper all sorts of probing questions that were ever so important in my teenage mind. Balling up my little notes I commenced a paper ball assault on him. With an amused look on his face he picked up the balled up pieces of paper and traced their source back to me. That was it. I had no idea at that time that a chain reaction had started between me and this boy that would, twenty years later, bring me back to life.
We were both Juniors in high school and attending night classes to earn graduating credits. He was handsome, shy, and kept mostly to himself. A quiet, gentle soul with eyes so piercing that I often times would shy away from his gaze for fear that he would burn a hole right through me. He would walk me home almost every night after class. What stands out the most in my memory, is how easy it was to be with him.  Our conversations came without effort, our interaction with one another was so easy and natural. He awakened in me a feeling that, up until that time, I had never felt. Ever the gentleman, he always treated me with the utmost respect and kindness. What started out a slight flirtation was quickly becoming for me, something so much more than friendship.
There are moments you remember all your life that you carry with you for all times. We were so young and full of idealistic dreams. My school days passed in a whirlwind of faces, locker combinations, dramatics, and friends. As time for night school approached the whirlwinds would begin to slow. He would walk into the classroom and suddenly it was just he and I as the world buzzed all around us. There was something about him. I am not sure if it was his quiet confidence, or the way he held himself, or maybe it was just the intensity in his eyes. Whatever it was he had me captivated.

dot, dot, dot

for all life's hurt and pain, it can be so easy to lose your way
your skin gets tough, your heart grows hard, and you surround yourself with walls
you see the world through jaded eyes, with cynic views, and cloudy skies
with each new hurt you learn to hide the person you truly are inside

In night's embrace, the tears will fall. You scream, you cry, you punch the wall
You guard yourself more carefully You learn to love more sparingly
you wear your masks, you act the part, but no one really knows your heart
all the pain you hold it dear, it makes you cold, it causes fear

You hide within the shadows, you begin lurking in the dark
the night becomes your only friend, you shun the light, let coldness in

people around you start to see and wonder what has become of thee
protected from life's hurt and pain, you are also far from lover's lane

Gatekeeper

Cloudy skies are what's always above me
Streaks from the sun do break through now and then
Most of my days it seems darkness surrounds me
Try as I might, the light rarely gets in

For years now I've struggled to find any meaning
To all these delusions that life seems give
I've hidden, I've masked them, I've tried to escape them
Sleepless nights crying not wanting to live

As time went on, the fight slowly left me
Broken and beaten, and I failed to care
I gave in to darkness, I gave in to temptations
Consumed with a self hate that was difficult to bare

I walked around like a zombie, like a sad, soulless monster
The life force within me was now way beyond dim
I sat and I wallowed so deep in the mud now
I opened my veins and I let evil in

My loved ones they cried out in hopes I would listen
I picked myself up, still no hope could I feel
The blood that had poured out was now dry and crusty
I began the hard task of seeing what's real

Though my life had restarted and my light was returning
The coldness I felt had somehow become kin
Still searching and searching for what I knew not of
I just hoped that the darkness was gone from within

I hoped and I prayed for someone that could love me
Despite all my screwups and mistakes in my past
The fears that I nurtured for so many years now
Made it difficult for me to build anything to last

Yet somehow through all this, God smiled upon me
He brought me a love that no one could deny
He lifted my soul up from the dark and the rancor
He blessed me with a love that he assured was no lie

Then suddenly with no warning the light inside brightened
All hope I had lost came flooding back in
This man, he was searching, and somehow he found me
He reached out for my hand and my heart he did win

So with faith I face forward no longer with fear now
A long life with him beside me is all that I need
The terror, the sadness, the hate that had filled me
Was now being erased with love's powerful seed

The keys to my heart he has in his posession
He loves me despite all the darkness I've seen
He sheds light to my sadness and makes me feel lovely
I look forward to the day when he takes me as his

I love him, I need him, He is everything to me
The mere sound of his voice, it fills me with peace
To him I'll be faithful with love, life, and laughter
I wish I had known all this time he held keys