Sick, weak, tired of being that which defines me
Want to sleep
Never wake to this again
Eyes watching
Hearts feeling
So encompassed
No repreieve
Deep now
Mask firmly engraved
Longing
Unfeeling
Want quiet
Solitude
Always

do you ever just want to scream?
scream so loud that your lungs vibrate inside your chest?
scream so deep that it brings to tears to your eyes?
not scream at anyone or anything
just scream
scream out all of the frustrations that have wrapped themselves around your soul
scream out all love and hate of yourself in its perfect imperfection
scream out the pain and the pleasure and the utter disappointments
scream yourself out until your voice is no more
scream until you can't feel the hurt and sadness
scream

I tire of it
I tire of you
I need more
I need less
I loved you
I can't stand you
I need something
I need nothing
I want you gone
I want you close
I have my dream
I have my nightmare
I am here
I am gone
Truth is, I've been gone for a long time now
I was never here

In the use to be's

the smell of stale cigarettes and beer floating in the air with the mingling of desperation drenched sweat Kenneth Cole meet me out back for a line and some time....all to the rhythm of a hearfelt rendition of Jeff Healy's Angel Eyes. Me, cigarette in mouth, shooting pool, coasting on the melt with my black knee high boots and mini skirt...keeping a watchful eye on the DJ. 

I see it. So tangible. I can taste it. The unraveling. Everything ever so slowly.

I try to stop it. Holding the spot so tightly that my fingers ache. Please stop.

Those things. They beckon me. Quiet screaming calling out to me. Shhhh.

I can't face it. The light blinding. In denial. No, it can't be. All the lies. There.

Why? Again and repeatidly. Tell the truth. Keep your sorries. Not again. No.

I will run. There is no where. Try to hide. It comes seeking. Go away.

Now I hurt. Deep inside me. All this pain. It is too real. Let me go. No it won't.

Stuck in the labyrinth. There's no exit. Here I go. Again.

Tired of all this discourse. I know that I am supposed to be the strong one. Oh, Mari, she can survive anything. She's tough. Look at all she's survived in her life. I don't feel so strong anymore. Family is supposed to stick together. We have our spouses and our kids, and despite and because of them, we, as a family, are supposed to be stronger than ever. That, however is not the case right now. There are words that are said in anger and confusion that carry no weight. At least they shouldn't. Instead of dealing with the problems, coming to a compromise, and moving on together...there are secrets being told, loud avoidance, and deliberate deceptions. This is not our family. This is not how we were raised to deal with problems. We face our problems head on and keep on dealing with them until some resolve is made and we can move on together in peace. What happened to forgiveness? What happened to unconditional love? I am tired of all the fighting and stress. My physician's keep telling me that my seizures are being caused by all the stress that I am under. Apparently stress raises cortisol levels which in turn raises blood sugar levels and also causes increase in seizure activity and intensity. All this bullshit that is happening in my family is literally making me sick and killing me. That, however, isn't really my main concern. I don't know if it's a side effect of my meds or my bi-polarism, but I couldn't give less of a care about me right now. My concern is how or if my family is going to make it through this crap. I don't see how when three of the main players are seemingly doing everything to hide, avoid, deceive, ignore, and pretend like nothing is going on. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I am tired. My mind is weak. My body is taxed. My heart hurts.

The things in life that once were solid as iron rods have become as frail as the tiny gossamer wings of the butterflies I love so dear. My fear and my pride cause me to reach out for and grip all those things that once I could gain control of without a moment's pause. They slide through my finger tips crumbling into yesterdays hopes and today's regrets. frustration and despair are my constant companions as of late. Two steps forward, and five seizured steps back. I watch, as if from the sidelines, the lives of my family and friends. Their adventures, family milestones, their day to day happenings, and I feel so far  removed from them, from a "normal" life. A haze of medications and more medications to counteract the side effects of the new medications. Living in fear of the next time. Will it? Won't it? Alone time is non-existent. supervised showers, changing my clothes, everything I do, everywhere I go...Have to keep me safe. Can't chance further hurting myself or reinjuring my still healing brain. I feel tired. Lonely. Disappointed in myself. Disillusioned. Done. The fighter in me feels already beaten. How do I keep on? Ugh, I just do.