Dirty Birds

May 2, 2007

Current mood:indescribable

Dirty Birds

Wrong choice, bad words, flying out like dirty birds
Tears rolling, ripping heart, no one's fault but mine alone
I'm the wrong one, the one in doubt, the one that you can do without
All the crying, all the pain, it's always driving me insane
 I'm the wrong one, I'm the black sheep
The failure, the disappointment, past my peak
Selfish, loathing, so uncaring
All for me please, no one daring
Tell me all that you think is wrong
You know I can take it, you know I'm strong
But after its doled out, I'm found lacking
They all think that all is fine now and I'll let them think it's true
But inside I feel me dying
Heart is broken and torn in two
Slashes on my arms are aching
Begging to be cut anew
I wish that I could let them see this
Open up my aching chest
Let them see the broken soul within me locked inside my beating breast
Know the pain that is inside me
See my freshly bleeding wounds
Feel the whip marks, watch the whelps bleed
Let them see how strong and hard the beatings given by my own hand and sick mind
Just let me pay for all the wrong deeds
For I'm a loser- pay no mind
I'm an embarrassment- you said it and I heard you loud and clear
So I lead myself into my own blackhole
Full of loathing, doubt, and tears
Deep into the cold dark dungeon, the torture chamber of my crazy mind's design
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- May 2007

Let the Doctor cure your ills

May 2, 2007

Current mood:indescribable

Let the Doctor cure your ills

The burning rush of negative emotions

Flowing hard through my viens

Like where a river meets the ocean

Tired of the same, the inane, making me feel insane

Aching to maim, to feel pain, to see the red sticky, sweet blood leak from a vein

I'm on fire, I'm murder for hire

Ready for a fight- punches packed with fervered delight

Holding back a scream, living out a torturing bad dream

Feeling my legs ache, searching for an escape

Needing to feed this angry hunger

Wanting to be raped, pilaged, and plundered

Tear open my flesh, blood pouring out fresh

Can't think of the words to make sense of this world

Streaming, dreaming, screaming

Anger, pain, frustration, elation

Dormant and waiting for this day of eruption

Say the wrong thing and you're dead in the wreckage

Can't come to reason this illogic season

Feel myself burning down to mere ashes

Can't stop the seething, writhing and lashes

Want to be beaten, murdered by numbers

Need to feel pain at the heights of pleasure

Willing to succumb to this maddness and pressure

Willing to forsake all that's sane for no reason

The tip of the knife

The slide of a razor

Euphoria of drugs that increase my delusion

Wanting the pain and pleasure infusion

Lazy, crazy, hazy, dazy

Pre-life, mid-life, death, and post mortem

Everything this anger makes me feel

Here you go, take this pill. Everything will be better in the morning.


Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- April 2007

Remember why Easter is

Apr 8, 2007

Remember why Easter is

In this Easter season, I think it's easy for us to forget (as it can be at Christmas time) why it is that we celebrate this holiday. It is too easy for us too get wrapped up in all the pastel colors and Easter Bunny bullshit, that we forget the real reason for the celebration. It's a season to give thanks to a man who gave his life for our sins. A man, that whether or not he was the son of God, gave his life for us. Gave his life and was resurrected on this very day!!!! Let us not forget that Jesus, regardless of our individual beliefs, came- live- taught- preached- performed miracles- and taught us that there is a greater goal, a better way to live and die. To live and die in the service of others. To live and die for something greater than our own individual needs and wants. The sacrafice of one's life for another's is the greatest sacrafice that anyone can give. So on this day, if not on any others, let us try to remember that there ARE people out there that ARE less fortunate than we are, and that there ARE people out there that fight  through struggles that we can't even begin to imagine, so be thankful for the blessings and the life that you are blessed with. No matter how bad we think our own life sucks, there is always going to be someone out there that would feel blessed with the life that we currently possess. So hug your family, love your kids, be thankful for your significant others, and give thanks to your creator who felt love so strong for us that he sent his only begotten son to live and die and for us all.

So, with that said, I want to thank God for all the many blessings in my life. For the blessings that I am aware of, and especially for those I am not aware of.

Exactly two Easters ago I was in the middle of one of the most trying physical battles of my life. For those of you that know, I was in the hospital under going the first of 13 thirteen surgeries that would change my life. I was without faith, and without trust in God. I felt like He was punishing me for whatever misdeeds I had done in my life. What I later realized is that He, was in fact, carrying me through one of the hardest physical struggles that I have ever undergone to date. Without Him, I and my family, would not have survived.

Thank you, again, God for your support and protection. I trust in you, I believe in you, and I have faith in your will. I know you know of my inner most struggles, and I trust in your guidance. Thank you for my family and friends, and thank you for my struggles that aid me in becoming a better person.

Happy Easter Everyone!!

Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- April 2007

Will that be a tall, grande, or a venti?

Mar 26, 2007

Will that be a tall, grande, or a venti?

So, I'm here at a Starbucks doing work. I have to come to Starbucks or Starfucks as I like to loving refer to it, because it is one of the only places in San Antonio where you can easily access WiFi. San Antonio's love of mediocrity will be the topic of a different blog on another day...
I am "willingly" being subjected to the horrid array of supposedly "popular" music and mindless coffee drones that pile in and out of the place ordering their, "Venti-Caramel-Non fat-Latte." There is no eye contact made, there is no recognition of anyone else. Most don't even bother to look at the poor barista taking their order. For them there is not even enough time to utter a simple, "Have a good day." What in the world is going on here? Is this what we've come to? This express, fast food, corporate, self absorbed society of my nightmares? A world where we can not see beyond our own nose long enough to issue forth even a half-assed smile at someone????? Why has this become acceptable? Maybe it is a cultural thing. I know that if my parents ever saw me even attempt to act in such a way, it would earn me a very hard slap across the back of the head accompanied by the "look" that would tell me that I BETTER act right or the end result would be something a bit more severe. Is it too much to ask from this Starfucks generation to show a bit more humanity and common courtesy? Just a nice, polite, "Thank You." would suffice. Let's try to step away from the laptop, put your call on hold, pause the IPOD, and take a moment to connect with the person who is working so hard to not spit in your coffee. And to you, the hard working, under-appreciated barista of the Starfucks world---- SPIT ON!

Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- March 2007

I'm not here for your entertainment

Mar 24, 2007

I'm not here for your entertainment!

I'm not here for your entertainment!!!! Damn, that seems like that's all I'm here for sometimes. Friends are strange like that. When I'm down to have fun and party, I have friends galore, when I need to be down to earth and serious, they disappear. Why the hell is that??? What makes certain people think that they can just take and take and take and never give??? I know that is part of my own shit. I am like my father in that way. I will give until I have nothing, and still find the ability to continue to give. It's my nature. I'm tired of that being my damn nature. I want to be selfish and just think about me and how things effect only me, what I want, how I feel, what I need. I want to not care if I hurt someone's feelings, and for that matter I want to not feel when someone hurts mine. I want to go out and do what the hell I want and not give a rat's ass for anyone else. It gets done to me on the daily. I feel it done to me by someone that I consider to be one of my closest friends. I see it and realize it, but yet, I can't let this friend go. Damn it!!! What the hell, right??? Why can't I be more like the A typical man and not give a crap, and not care who or how I hurt someone???? Again, I know this is my own issue to deal with. And for all you nameless true good guys out there (you know who you are) SORRY for the generalization. I guess that's why I'm writing this down in a blog for all the internet to see. So that way it's out there, gaining tangibility, and I can deal with it, and CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR on it. Things have to change.

Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- March 2007

Letter to God

Feb 27, 2007

Current mood:grateful

Letter to God

God. Thank you.
I doubt you, I get angry with you, I scream and defile your name, I disappoint you, I refuse to follow your guidance, and still you continue to hold me, protect me, provide for me, bless me, watch over me and mine, and work the most amazing miracles. I know that I am not nearly thankful enough for all of the ways you show your mercy and love to me in my life. I am a sinnerwoman and daily I know you enfold me in your arms. I feel undeserving of this kind of love from you especially when I know the life I lead fails to live up to the gifts and talents that you have seen to bless me with. God, you know the deepest parts of my heart, mind, and soul. Even knowing this, I need to write my praise to you. Without your presence in my life, I am nothing. Though it may seem at times that my faith in you is non existent, even in my darkest and brightest days I believe. I need you Lord in my life. Thank you for loving me even when I can't bring myself to love me. Thank you, God.

Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- February 2007

Ending One's Existence

Jan 23, 2007

Current mood:worried

Ending One's Existence

This is going to be completely scatter brained.
A friend of mine tried to end their existence today. The call came into me while I was at work. It was from an unknown number, so I ignored it. Voicemail was left, ignored that too. A second phone call from an unknown number came in shortly after followed by another voicemail. After staring at my phone for about ten minutes, I decided I better listen to my voicemail. It was the distraught voice of a friend who had reached the end of their rope. I was in utter panic. I was unable to leave work, and unable to reach my friend by phone. There was no other recourse for me but to call 911 and send them to my friends side in lieu of myself. Thankfully, my friend is ok, and will hopefully get the help that is so sorely needed. This heart wrenching experience lead me to start questioning myself.
What makes a good friend? I think my definitions are fairly standard. A friend to me is someone who challenges you to be a better person. A friend is someone who is there for you when no one else is, but isn't afraid to tell you that you fucked up. A friend listens to your crap, and tells you their crap too. A confidant, a kindred, a chill partner, a person who is there through the good the bad and the ugly. I think that I try to be the kind of friend that meets and exceeds the friendship "expectations"
So this leaves me with the question of, "Why?" Why didn't I see the signs. Why did I ignore the signs. Why didn't I call my friend more often? Why couldn't I solve my friend's problems? Why does my friend feel that their life is worthless? Why wasn't I a better friend? Why? Why? Why?
I don't have an answer for this. I was there in the only capacity that I knew how to be, and I tried to extend my love and support as best I could. In the end, I had to tell myself that my friend will only get better if that is what my friend truly wants. The anger towards me, I hope will fade, it is going to be a long hard road that  my friend will travel alone.  I will be there holding a glass of water for when my friend needs it, but otherwise, I have got to stand back and let my friend make their journey on their own two feet.
It is through experiencing and surviving these situations that we learn and grow as people.
"After a while you learn- that love doesn't mean leaving. That kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You begin to accept defeat with your head up and your eyes open. With the finesse of an adult and not the grief of a child. So plant a garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. So that you learn that you can endure, and you are really strong, and you do have worth, and that with every new tomorrow...comes the dawn." -unknown
My prayers and thoughts are with you my friend and all my friends. Please know that if any of you ever need me, I will be there in what ever capacity I am able to be. ONE LOVE ~ Marissa