Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Tattoo

Tattoo
The wind blew all the dried leaves in an array of dancing, colorful characters that would rise up as if out of the ground. They would spin and twirl, flitting about with each changing gust of the wind’s puppeting strings. These spirit like leaf beings flowed and floated in a dazzling array of deep robust reds, oranges, flecks of gold, and touches of silver, all around them. Moving and lifting in a seemingly choreographed intricate routine. There they sat, hand in hand, on the picnic table totally and completely engrossed by the spectacle that was a typical fall afternoon performance put on by mother nature herself. Two young people in love, being wrapped in autumn’s cool embrace.  I, on my rickety porch swing, watched and drunk in the entire scene, allowing it to transport me back to memories of times long since passed.
There the two of us were nervously exchanging idle chatter and eagerly anticipating what we both hoped would come. He reached out tentatively and took my hand in his as we gingerly walked to the park swings.  “So, um, tell me that you found the note that I put in your math book this morning!” “Note? What note? I totally just used my math book to do my homework, and I didn’t find a note!” Suddenly the already nervous look on his face turned into the look of sheer panic. “I put a note in your math book this morning thinking that you would find it later on. Oh, man, please don’t tell me that it fell out somewhere in the hallway! If any of the guys find it, they’ll never let me live it down!” I was enjoying the sudden squeaky quality his voice had taken on as well as the way his face changed as he searched the recesses of his memory trying to trace back his actions of the morning. “Yep, there was no note anywhere in my book…” His eyes met mine and I knew that instantly he would know that I was pulling his leg. Suddenly and with overwhelming speed he had me pinned against the swing set legs. “Ok, ok, I’m sorry, I’m sorry please stop!”  I was laughing hysterically finding it difficult to breathe in between the peels of laughter. “Oh, you think you’re really funny, huh?! You think it’s funny to see me panic, huh?! I bet it’s not so funny now, is it?!” He was tickling me relentlessly. Now it was his turn to enjoy the panicked look on my face. “Please stop, I’m sorry! I won’t do it again! Please stop!”
After regaining my composure, he led me to the swings. The swings with their old black rubber seats, and cold thick chains laying in wait to transport their riders on unforeseen adventures. He pushed me slowly, and I remember how the cool autumn breeze hit my face,  brought out the red apples of my cheeks and gave a bite to my lungs with every rise and fall of  breath. We were both quiet as he pushed me higher and higher in the swing. My mind was reeling with memories of every romantic love scene I had ever seen flash across the movie screen. I wanted so much in that moment to have the power to read his mind, and be able to know if he was just as nervous and scared as I was. Was he having feelings of doubt that maybe I don’t feel as strongly for him as he does for me, like I was? Thoughts of, how is this going to happen? Will I know what to do? Will I like it? Oh my God, will he like it? As I was running through this laundry list of doubts in my mind, I hadn’t noticed that the swing had stopped swinging .  His face was close to mine, and then as if in a dream, his lips were gently touching my lips. The world had stopped in that brief moment. A whirlwind had swept us up in a warm wave of tingling emotion. Every doubt, every care, every problem or concern that I had melted away with my first kiss. I tattooed in my mind every little detail of that moment. The sound of the leaves rustling in the breeze blowing around in a colorful kaleidoscope of constantly changing hues and shapes. The feel of his warm breathe on my face and the way our heartbeats seemed to sync with one another, his hand gently holding my face and pulling me closer to him. I wanted to memorialize this experience forever.
I don’t seem to recall when our kiss ended, but in my memory it goes on forever. Walking home that afternoon I felt like I was in this impenetrable bubble. I ran over and over again in my mind the movie reel of emotions that had played out that day. The young lovers I had been watching from across the street were making their departure followed by a wisp of windblown leaves that almost seemed like fingers reaching out for them to stay. With a smile lightly draped across my face, I closed my tired eyes. My body filled with that same anticipation of that long ago day, the inevitable feeling of things to come. Now, sitting here on my front porch swing, with this tattered old shawl wrapped around my shoulders, I allow the ghosts of times gone by to come and sweep my soul away onto the dance floor of eternity.

Written by: Marissa h.k. Gibson 01/26/2011

Thursday, January 13, 2011

When We Were One

We were sitting practically
hip to hip in the cab of that
little red pickup truck.
Tent, a bag of clothes, and food
rattling around the bed as we drove.

I was torturing Dan with my
horrendous rendition of
Gloria Estefan's Mi Tierra
Every so often he would smile,
reach out, and hold my hand.

Just a few days prior to this day
I told Dan, crying, that he needed
to get me out of Texas or I was
going to go completely insane.
He held me and simply said, "OK."

He withdrew his check from the bank,
came home, packed up, and before I 
knew it, we were on the road
With radio blaring, holding hands, and
smiling at eachother...

We were driving to 
New Mexico...
Driving to
New Mexico... 

Thursday, January 6, 2011

In That Life

He came into my life rather quick
He filled everyday with something new
This man 6"1' Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My dream

Before too long I was deeply in love
He had me giving up everything to be near him
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Love

Turned my back on family and friends
He promised he would take care of me
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Reason

We struggled just to have food in our bellies
He hustled and scammed to get whatever he could
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Drive

The harshness of our life was painful
He gave us both a way to kill the pain
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Savior

The euphoria was so welcome and blissful
He assured me that it wouldn't get out of hand
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Trust

The drugs quickly went from want to need
In his stupor, he would at times be so mean
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Dealer

There was not much we wouldn't do to not be sick
He said over and over that this time was the last
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Liar

When we did get money we would binge feed our need
He would be so gone that he would hit me and not remember
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Tormentor

The pain of our addiction pushed us deeper into it
He introduced a needle to my vein and made the pain go away
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Weakness

Our world revolved only on drugs and our pain
His sickness and mine was all that we shared now
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Nightmare

My spirit was broken by the life we were living
His abuse he rained on me was killing my need
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Death

Painfully I withstood the horror of withdrawls
He promised and claimed he was feeling it too
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
 My Deceiver

Finally, I thought, we are both clean and both sober
He hid it so well. The addiction I wouldn't see.
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Magician

The life we had wanted was finally to be ours
His addiction he continued to cover and feed
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Blindness

In dope rage he lashed out and laid hands again on me
His lying was done because now I could see
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Shame

I walked away from him for now and forever
He cried and he promised that he would change just for me
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Sorrow

I think of him often. I pray for him always. I cry over all that
He and I could have been
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Forgiven

There once was a woman from Pluckett...

So full of hate. Hate for myself. Hate for my past. Hate for my present. Hate for my life. Hate the way you see me. Hate that you say you don't judge me, but you do. Hate that you blame me for your own issues. Hate that you don't really see me.  Hate the way I can't talk to you. Hate that you hear and don't listen. Hate that you see me as crippled. Hate that you see me as less than. Hate that you feel you must always hold my hand. Hate that you want me to be this and then are angry that I am that. Hate that you don't notice change in me. Hate that you won't let me heal from my past. Hate that you talk about me like I'm not there. Hate that you still can't trust me. Hate that I can't trust you either. Hate that you use kid gloves on me. Hate that you walk on egg shells around me. Hate that you see me as whore. Hate that you say be free but what you mean is be free in the constraints of this box. Hate that what I manage to share with you gets twisted. Hate who I am in your eyes. Hate that you impose your beliefs on me. Hate that I have to hide myself. Hate that I am constantly editing myself for you. Hate that no matter how you surround me I am alone and lonely. Hate that nothing of what is me, what is mine, what I hold dear, what I think, what I feel is sacred to you- worth keeping private- worth any value. Hate that unless I become like you, think like you, look like you, talk like you, act like you...I am nothing. Hate that I wake up every night crying. Hate that I am bi-polar and that's all that you see when you do manage to see me. What I hate most is that I love you and I actually care what you think, that I only am able to share a tiny little fraction of my pain and struggles with you, and that you will never understand. **I'm done now. Mask back on.** ***Smiles :) Smiles :) Smiles :)

Monday, December 20, 2010

Mutter, putter, butter...hey that rhymes

This blog is in existence at the urging of my family and my brother in particular. I have been encouraged to post my writing in the hopes that it will give my family and friends some insight into the part of my world that I tend to keep hidden. What you read here doesn't even really begin to scratch the surface of of all the pages of words I have penned. I tend to post the things that I deem most "readable" by others.

Many times, after someone has read what I've written, I will be asked why does so much of my writing have a dark feel to it. The answer to that is simple...I write to be able to get the things I'm having a difficult time coping with out of my head. It helps me to deal with whatever it is that I'm having issue with at the time. It aids me to not lash out at those around me when I'm angry. It helps me sometimes just to allow these thoughts and feelings to gain some kind of tangibilty so that maybe, I can better work through them. The blissful happy times are acted out and lived through. It's the not so happy parts that usually get written about. Not all of my writing is emotion based in that way. A great deal of what I write is just pure creative art. An idea, a picture, a series of scenes runs through my head, and to be able to capture it, I put it in words. I may not write in any particular style, or follow any type of poetic rule, but my writing is...well, mine.

My bi-polar disorder controls so much of who I am, how I think, how I rationalize, how I react, and what I feel. Too many times, I allow it to control and rule me. Writing all the crap that floats around in my head helps me to gain some semblance of control. I make no apologies if some of what is read here is offensive or difficult for someone else to take in. I write for me, and for no one else. It is my diary, my journal of sorts. I can retrace my life's events through my musings. It helps me to recall things, to memorialize events, and to be able to remind myself why certain actions took place. Writing also helps me to track my moods, so that I can identify certain triggers in my life. It's extremely therapeutic to me.

One thing my brother told me whilst he was encouraging me to post my stuff was that maybe it would help someone else one day. That is my secret hope. That one day someone may stumble upon this collection of random mutterings and find some comfort, some relief, some insight into their own life. That would truly give my writing it's own life. So, I will continue writing so long as it continues to suit me. My only hope is that in all these words you are able to better see me, and better see whatever it is that you are searching for.

Fooled

Is there no one I can talk to?
Is there no one I can trust?
Try to share my fears with someone
But my words get all torn up

They come back to me all twisted
All the things that I have shared
All my thoughts are now just mangled
Into something I've not said

Talk to me is what is told me 
Tell me all your deepest fears
Open up your once locked feelings
I will keep them safe, I swear

Please then tell me why you waivered
How what I've said has somehow grown
Into this thing that stands before me
Which is something I don't know

How my words which are unmolded
Have a life now of their own
With a soul I did not give them
sprung forth from seeds I did not sew

Explain to me how I can trust you
with the feelings in my heart
When I know next time I hear them
They will be all but torn apart

Fool me once, the shame is yours now
Fool me twice, it's mine alone
All the faith invested in you
Is unfortunately all gone

Never again will I be foolish
With all the thoughts I hold so dear
My wall I will build up much stronger
To protect all of my fears

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Interminable

here i am everyone is asleep the house is dark and there is only the endless humming of the fan to keep me company....that and all of the thoughts streaming through my head and emotions swirling in my heart.
my thoughts my endless ceaseless thoughts always always always drum drum drumming in my head i never have peace i never have silence even when i am sleeping the thoughts cloud my dreams.
my feelings go through this constant upswing and downswing up down up down up down always moving never stopping never coming to that always hoped for plateau of equilibrium.
i am constantly being flooded by a barrage a blizzard a never ending hurricane of thoughts and emotions i try my best to put on a face of calm a smiling mask a poker face a lie of who I am and how i feel.
talk to me they say how are you feeling today tell me what you think show me how you feel let me in i can help let me hear let me see let me know i understand i don't understand just keep it to myself.
i hear them i am screaming inside i see them i am crying inside i love them my heart breaks inside i hate them please don't leave me i am leaving please come find me i show them peace inside i can't stop running running fleeing never ever ever escaping here i am everyone is asleep the house is dark and there is only the endless humming of the fan to keep me company...that and all of the thoughts streaming in my head and emotions swirling in my heart...for eternity it is always this...