Tired of all this discourse. I know that I am supposed to be the strong one. Oh, Mari, she can survive anything. She's tough. Look at all she's survived in her life. I don't feel so strong anymore. Family is supposed to stick together. We have our spouses and our kids, and despite and because of them, we, as a family, are supposed to be stronger than ever. That, however is not the case right now. There are words that are said in anger and confusion that carry no weight. At least they shouldn't. Instead of dealing with the problems, coming to a compromise, and moving on together...there are secrets being told, loud avoidance, and deliberate deceptions. This is not our family. This is not how we were raised to deal with problems. We face our problems head on and keep on dealing with them until some resolve is made and we can move on together in peace. What happened to forgiveness? What happened to unconditional love? I am tired of all the fighting and stress. My physician's keep telling me that my seizures are being caused by all the stress that I am under. Apparently stress raises cortisol levels which in turn raises blood sugar levels and also causes increase in seizure activity and intensity. All this bullshit that is happening in my family is literally making me sick and killing me. That, however, isn't really my main concern. I don't know if it's a side effect of my meds or my bi-polarism, but I couldn't give less of a care about me right now. My concern is how or if my family is going to make it through this crap. I don't see how when three of the main players are seemingly doing everything to hide, avoid, deceive, ignore, and pretend like nothing is going on. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I am tired. My mind is weak. My body is taxed. My heart hurts.

The things in life that once were solid as iron rods have become as frail as the tiny gossamer wings of the butterflies I love so dear. My fear and my pride cause me to reach out for and grip all those things that once I could gain control of without a moment's pause. They slide through my finger tips crumbling into yesterdays hopes and today's regrets. frustration and despair are my constant companions as of late. Two steps forward, and five seizured steps back. I watch, as if from the sidelines, the lives of my family and friends. Their adventures, family milestones, their day to day happenings, and I feel so far  removed from them, from a "normal" life. A haze of medications and more medications to counteract the side effects of the new medications. Living in fear of the next time. Will it? Won't it? Alone time is non-existent. supervised showers, changing my clothes, everything I do, everywhere I go...Have to keep me safe. Can't chance further hurting myself or reinjuring my still healing brain. I feel tired. Lonely. Disappointed in myself. Disillusioned. Done. The fighter in me feels already beaten. How do I keep on? Ugh, I just do. 

Dream a little dream

Was so surprised and pleased at your arrival
It felt impossible, but as each day passed it became more real
Every night I would put my hand to you and share my thoughts
My dreams, my hopes, my fears I would tell
Your presence brought me comfort here
The slight discomforts your presence caused, alighted in me a hope unreal

What was unbelievable, slowly became my new reality
Things that were impossible to let go, I left without a moment's thought
I saw myself start to change and delighted in each discovery
Each night falling asleep knowing you were here with me
My dreams filled with truths yet to be, and love that was foreign to me
Of ribbons and smiles, baseballs and games, of laughter, and light and beauty

I let myself  hope and see what would be for you and me
Castles in sand, learning new things, tears born of laughter, sadness, and pain
Sharing all I know and imparting my stories, watching your face light up with glee
Feeling your heartbeat, knowing you kindly, watching you as you grow from this seed
Rubbing my belly, loving you deeply, counting the days till your eyes I would see
All of my wanting, wishes and prayers were no longer for me, but for you just to be

Then all of my joy was ripped out from beneath me
The words of sympathy came pouring like rain
It happened so quickly nothing to stop it
River of red mixed with shock waves of pain
Your presence was fleeting the dream was a nightmare
Again you became just a passing memory

I lay my hand where you used to be
The space left is so vast and unfathomable
I am so aware
Aware that I am alone
Aware that you are
no more.

I cry

Again or Still?

Burning flame in my finger tips

Like licks of fire that feed the flame of my mind

There's no control

No rhyme

Pouring out of me like so many tears that I've hidden

Some angry

Some sad

Some happy

All seem misplaced

Jumble of thoughts and mashed up emotions

Crazed

Supercalifragalistic

What is going on

It's been such a long time

I feel the quickening of my blood

Watch me as I set myself ablaze..

Me

So many thoughts swirling around in the whirlpool of my mind. Not all of it is logical or based in reality. It simply just is.

Behind the Mask

You're always so perfect. You're always so right. Your way is the only way. Your opinion is the only opinion. You always take the high road. You never do anything wrong. Your thought process is always perfection. You always make the right decision. You never lie. You never exaggerate. You are always just. You

FIRE!

Pent up. Locked in. Feeling like I want to forget.
Forget you. Forget me. Forget it.
Get a life. Get a clue.
Run away. Escape sublime.
Erase the white board of my life.
It's not dry erase. Can't start over. Can't reset.
Living life with regret isn't living at all.