Dream a little dream

Was so surprised and pleased at your arrival
It felt impossible, but as each day passed it became more real
Every night I would put my hand to you and share my thoughts
My dreams, my hopes, my fears I would tell
Your presence brought me comfort here
The slight discomforts your presence caused, alighted in me a hope unreal

What was unbelievable, slowly became my new reality
Things that were impossible to let go, I left without a moment's thought
I saw myself start to change and delighted in each discovery
Each night falling asleep knowing you were here with me
My dreams filled with truths yet to be, and love that was foreign to me
Of ribbons and smiles, baseballs and games, of laughter, and light and beauty

I let myself  hope and see what would be for you and me
Castles in sand, learning new things, tears born of laughter, sadness, and pain
Sharing all I know and imparting my stories, watching your face light up with glee
Feeling your heartbeat, knowing you kindly, watching you as you grow from this seed
Rubbing my belly, loving you deeply, counting the days till your eyes I would see
All of my wanting, wishes and prayers were no longer for me, but for you just to be

Then all of my joy was ripped out from beneath me
The words of sympathy came pouring like rain
It happened so quickly nothing to stop it
River of red mixed with shock waves of pain
Your presence was fleeting the dream was a nightmare
Again you became just a passing memory

I lay my hand where you used to be
The space left is so vast and unfathomable
I am so aware
Aware that I am alone
Aware that you are
no more.

I cry

Again or Still?

Burning flame in my finger tips

Like licks of fire that feed the flame of my mind

There's no control

No rhyme

Pouring out of me like so many tears that I've hidden

Some angry

Some sad

Some happy

All seem misplaced

Jumble of thoughts and mashed up emotions

Crazed

Supercalifragalistic

What is going on

It's been such a long time

I feel the quickening of my blood

Watch me as I set myself ablaze..

Me

So many thoughts swirling around in the whirlpool of my mind. Not all of it is logical or based in reality. It simply just is.

Behind the Mask

You're always so perfect. You're always so right. Your way is the only way. Your opinion is the only opinion. You always take the high road. You never do anything wrong. Your thought process is always perfection. You always make the right decision. You never lie. You never exaggerate. You are always just. You

FIRE!

Pent up. Locked in. Feeling like I want to forget.
Forget you. Forget me. Forget it.
Get a life. Get a clue.
Run away. Escape sublime.
Erase the white board of my life.
It's not dry erase. Can't start over. Can't reset.
Living life with regret isn't living at all.

While walking in the barrio, I met a bear

He sat there, head down concentrating on classwork. I tried in vain to get his attention, and in a final attempt I scribbled onto pieces of paper all sorts of probing questions that were ever so important in my teenage mind. Balling up my little notes I commenced a paper ball assault on him. With an amused look on his face he picked up the balled up pieces of paper and traced their source back to me. That was it. I had no idea at that time that a chain reaction had started between me and this boy that would, twenty years later, bring me back to life.
We were both Juniors in high school and attending night classes to earn graduating credits. He was handsome, shy, and kept mostly to himself. A quiet, gentle soul with eyes so piercing that I often times would shy away from his gaze for fear that he would burn a hole right through me. He would walk me home almost every night after class. What stands out the most in my memory, is how easy it was to be with him.  Our conversations came without effort, our interaction with one another was so easy and natural. He awakened in me a feeling that, up until that time, I had never felt. Ever the gentleman, he always treated me with the utmost respect and kindness. What started out a slight flirtation was quickly becoming for me, something so much more than friendship.
There are moments you remember all your life that you carry with you for all times. We were so young and full of idealistic dreams. My school days passed in a whirlwind of faces, locker combinations, dramatics, and friends. As time for night school approached the whirlwinds would begin to slow. He would walk into the classroom and suddenly it was just he and I as the world buzzed all around us. There was something about him. I am not sure if it was his quiet confidence, or the way he held himself, or maybe it was just the intensity in his eyes. Whatever it was he had me captivated.

dot, dot, dot

for all life's hurt and pain, it can be so easy to lose your way
your skin gets tough, your heart grows hard, and you surround yourself with walls
you see the world through jaded eyes, with cynic views, and cloudy skies
with each new hurt you learn to hide the person you truly are inside

In night's embrace, the tears will fall. You scream, you cry, you punch the wall
You guard yourself more carefully You learn to love more sparingly
you wear your masks, you act the part, but no one really knows your heart
all the pain you hold it dear, it makes you cold, it causes fear

You hide within the shadows, you begin lurking in the dark
the night becomes your only friend, you shun the light, let coldness in

people around you start to see and wonder what has become of thee
protected from life's hurt and pain, you are also far from lover's lane