Mutter, putter, butter...hey that rhymes

This blog is in existence at the urging of my family and my brother in particular. I have been encouraged to post my writing in the hopes that it will give my family and friends some insight into the part of my world that I tend to keep hidden. What you read here doesn't even really begin to scratch the surface of of all the pages of words I have penned. I tend to post the things that I deem most "readable" by others.

Many times, after someone has read what I've written, I will be asked why does so much of my writing have a dark feel to it. The answer to that is simple...I write to be able to get the things I'm having a difficult time coping with out of my head. It helps me to deal with whatever it is that I'm having issue with at the time. It aids me to not lash out at those around me when I'm angry. It helps me sometimes just to allow these thoughts and feelings to gain some kind of tangibilty so that maybe, I can better work through them. The blissful happy times are acted out and lived through. It's the not so happy parts that usually get written about. Not all of my writing is emotion based in that way. A great deal of what I write is just pure creative art. An idea, a picture, a series of scenes runs through my head, and to be able to capture it, I put it in words. I may not write in any particular style, or follow any type of poetic rule, but my writing is...well, mine.

My bi-polar disorder controls so much of who I am, how I think, how I rationalize, how I react, and what I feel. Too many times, I allow it to control and rule me. Writing all the crap that floats around in my head helps me to gain some semblance of control. I make no apologies if some of what is read here is offensive or difficult for someone else to take in. I write for me, and for no one else. It is my diary, my journal of sorts. I can retrace my life's events through my musings. It helps me to recall things, to memorialize events, and to be able to remind myself why certain actions took place. Writing also helps me to track my moods, so that I can identify certain triggers in my life. It's extremely therapeutic to me.

One thing my brother told me whilst he was encouraging me to post my stuff was that maybe it would help someone else one day. That is my secret hope. That one day someone may stumble upon this collection of random mutterings and find some comfort, some relief, some insight into their own life. That would truly give my writing it's own life. So, I will continue writing so long as it continues to suit me. My only hope is that in all these words you are able to better see me, and better see whatever it is that you are searching for.

Fooled

Is there no one I can talk to?
Is there no one I can trust?
Try to share my fears with someone
But my words get all torn up

They come back to me all twisted
All the things that I have shared
All my thoughts are now just mangled
Into something I've not said

Talk to me is what is told me 
Tell me all your deepest fears
Open up your once locked feelings
I will keep them safe, I swear

Please then tell me why you waivered
How what I've said has somehow grown
Into this thing that stands before me
Which is something I don't know

How my words which are unmolded
Have a life now of their own
With a soul I did not give them
sprung forth from seeds I did not sew

Explain to me how I can trust you
with the feelings in my heart
When I know next time I hear them
They will be all but torn apart

Fool me once, the shame is yours now
Fool me twice, it's mine alone
All the faith invested in you
Is unfortunately all gone

Never again will I be foolish
With all the thoughts I hold so dear
My wall I will build up much stronger
To protect all of my fears

Interminable

here i am everyone is asleep the house is dark and there is only the endless humming of the fan to keep me company....that and all of the thoughts streaming through my head and emotions swirling in my heart.
my thoughts my endless ceaseless thoughts always always always drum drum drumming in my head i never have peace i never have silence even when i am sleeping the thoughts cloud my dreams.
my feelings go through this constant upswing and downswing up down up down up down always moving never stopping never coming to that always hoped for plateau of equilibrium.
i am constantly being flooded by a barrage a blizzard a never ending hurricane of thoughts and emotions i try my best to put on a face of calm a smiling mask a poker face a lie of who I am and how i feel.
talk to me they say how are you feeling today tell me what you think show me how you feel let me in i can help let me hear let me see let me know i understand i don't understand just keep it to myself.
i hear them i am screaming inside i see them i am crying inside i love them my heart breaks inside i hate them please don't leave me i am leaving please come find me i show them peace inside i can't stop running running fleeing never ever ever escaping here i am everyone is asleep the house is dark and there is only the endless humming of the fan to keep me company...that and all of the thoughts streaming in my head and emotions swirling in my heart...for eternity it is always this... 

My Rollercoaster

Up, up, up the steep tracks I slowly climb
My mood getting higher and more fevered with each passing fret
I teeter slowly back and forth on the precipice of my mind

Before I even have time to prepare
The pendulum swings and hurls my thoughts quickly down the slope
My stomach is suddenly in my throat trapping in my screams of woe

Then up I go back up the winding track
To swerve suddenly down and loop-d-loop my thoughts around my mind
I try to make sense of all the swirling images and blurs that pass my eyes

The part I seem to dread and fear the most
Is not the heart pounding highs of the ride or deafening lows
But of the gut wrenching, breath stealing, sudden soul leaving of ride's end.

With rapid heart, I'll stand in line in hopes to get to ride this life again.