Mutter, putter, butter...hey that rhymes

This blog is in existence at the urging of my family and my brother in particular. I have been encouraged to post my writing in the hopes that it will give my family and friends some insight into the part of my world that I tend to keep hidden. What you read here doesn't even really begin to scratch the surface of of all the pages of words I have penned. I tend to post the things that I deem most "readable" by others.

Many times, after someone has read what I've written, I will be asked why does so much of my writing have a dark feel to it. The answer to that is simple...I write to be able to get the things I'm having a difficult time coping with out of my head. It helps me to deal with whatever it is that I'm having issue with at the time. It aids me to not lash out at those around me when I'm angry. It helps me sometimes just to allow these thoughts and feelings to gain some kind of tangibilty so that maybe, I can better work through them. The blissful happy times are acted out and lived through. It's the not so happy parts that usually get written about. Not all of my writing is emotion based in that way. A great deal of what I write is just pure creative art. An idea, a picture, a series of scenes runs through my head, and to be able to capture it, I put it in words. I may not write in any particular style, or follow any type of poetic rule, but my writing is...well, mine.

My bi-polar disorder controls so much of who I am, how I think, how I rationalize, how I react, and what I feel. Too many times, I allow it to control and rule me. Writing all the crap that floats around in my head helps me to gain some semblance of control. I make no apologies if some of what is read here is offensive or difficult for someone else to take in. I write for me, and for no one else. It is my diary, my journal of sorts. I can retrace my life's events through my musings. It helps me to recall things, to memorialize events, and to be able to remind myself why certain actions took place. Writing also helps me to track my moods, so that I can identify certain triggers in my life. It's extremely therapeutic to me.

One thing my brother told me whilst he was encouraging me to post my stuff was that maybe it would help someone else one day. That is my secret hope. That one day someone may stumble upon this collection of random mutterings and find some comfort, some relief, some insight into their own life. That would truly give my writing it's own life. So, I will continue writing so long as it continues to suit me. My only hope is that in all these words you are able to better see me, and better see whatever it is that you are searching for.