Gatekeeper

Cloudy skies are what's always above me
Streaks from the sun do break through now and then
Most of my days it seems darkness surrounds me
Try as I might, the light rarely gets in

For years now I've struggled to find any meaning
To all these delusions that life seems give
I've hidden, I've masked them, I've tried to escape them
Sleepless nights crying not wanting to live

As time went on, the fight slowly left me
Broken and beaten, and I failed to care
I gave in to darkness, I gave in to temptations
Consumed with a self hate that was difficult to bare

I walked around like a zombie, like a sad, soulless monster
The life force within me was now way beyond dim
I sat and I wallowed so deep in the mud now
I opened my veins and I let evil in

My loved ones they cried out in hopes I would listen
I picked myself up, still no hope could I feel
The blood that had poured out was now dry and crusty
I began the hard task of seeing what's real

Though my life had restarted and my light was returning
The coldness I felt had somehow become kin
Still searching and searching for what I knew not of
I just hoped that the darkness was gone from within

I hoped and I prayed for someone that could love me
Despite all my screwups and mistakes in my past
The fears that I nurtured for so many years now
Made it difficult for me to build anything to last

Yet somehow through all this, God smiled upon me
He brought me a love that no one could deny
He lifted my soul up from the dark and the rancor
He blessed me with a love that he assured was no lie

Then suddenly with no warning the light inside brightened
All hope I had lost came flooding back in
This man, he was searching, and somehow he found me
He reached out for my hand and my heart he did win

So with faith I face forward no longer with fear now
A long life with him beside me is all that I need
The terror, the sadness, the hate that had filled me
Was now being erased with love's powerful seed

The keys to my heart he has in his posession
He loves me despite all the darkness I've seen
He sheds light to my sadness and makes me feel lovely
I look forward to the day when he takes me as his

I love him, I need him, He is everything to me
The mere sound of his voice, it fills me with peace
To him I'll be faithful with love, life, and laughter
I wish I had known all this time he held keys

See Me

Thoughts filled with dreams of you
With dreams of what we two could be
But truth is seen in harsh reality
The truth is there's no you and me

All my hope and all my prayers
Are held to help bring you my way
But all the tears and all my fears
Are what I think will come to me

I am not dumb, I am not blind
I see too well I'm not your kind
My looks, my ways are not your dream
But yet my traits are what you need

If only you could close your eyes
My beauty you'd see deep inside
My soul it calls out loud to you
Your soul it reaches for mine too

Try to see me with your heart
For this way you can know who I am
It is in this way I can transform
And be who it is you want to see

Only through love's bird's eye view
will my inner beauty shine
To finally surpass all of the dreams
Where I am yours and you are mine

For My Sister

I remember when I first met her. She was this shy 15yr old girl in overalls. Looking very bored, but with a quiet, intense look in her eyes. She had come with her mother to our hula class, and sat with her sister on the bleachers in the gym. I had no idea at that point what a huge influence and positive affect she would have on my life. It’s funny how life’s tide can bring the most wonderful unexpected surprises to your shore.

This girl with this quiet confidence had entered my life in the most unusual way. Her mother belonged to our halau, and was friends with my sister and I. At first our exposure to one another was limited at best. We would go to her home to practice hula and socialize. She seemed to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders at times. It made you want to reach out and try to ease whatever burden it was that she carried.

The first time I saw this young girl dance, I remember being taken aback by the sheer beauty she communicated. She danced with such feeling and grace that I almost felt envy as she easily performed the hulas I struggled so hard to get through. There was something about her. Something in her aura that let you know there was more to her than meets the eye. There was also something else about her that was always just under the surface. Something so palpable was present in her that you couldn’t help but feel it. She radiated such strength and beauty that I don’t even think she knew she had.

It seemed almost seamless to me how she became a part of my life. She would be at my sister’s house just hanging out. She was with us at family gatherings like she had always belonged there. She was, unbeknownst to us, a missing part to our family puzzle. She became the daughter and best friend my sister had spent so many nights praying for. The loving and caring daughter my parents needed to round out their brood. She even became the little sister my brother and I never knew we so badly wanted. She was another loving, doting aunt to our nieces and nephews. This young woman, no longer a girl, was ours. She was now an integral part of our family. She completed us all.

Elisabeth Ku’ulei Baetz, my sister. She is my voice of reason when I have no reason left. She is my strength when I am weakest. She is the light in my day when I’m stuck in the dark. She is there to lend me her support even when I am insistent that I don’t need or want it.  She makes me laugh, cry, angry, and happy; as a little sister does. Her mere presence in my life makes me feel blessed beyond all reason. She is beautiful, intelligent, mature beyond her years, loving, caring, giving, and all those amazing virtues anyone would want a daughter, sister, niece, aunt, friend, and loved one to have.

Liz, that quiet little girl that I met so many years ago, has meant more to me, in my life, than so many so called “somebody’s.” If there was a way for me to take all the pain, all the disappointments, all the struggles that she may go through in her life, and bear them myself I would. I thank God everyday for bringing her into our life. Today is her 29^th birthday, and I pray that this is her best year yet. I hope God blesses her the way she has blessed me. I’m not the best at expressing my feelings, but I hope she knows how much I love her, how much she means to me, how proud I am of her, and how honored I am to call her my sister. Happy Birthday, Liz!

A Painting for Nicky

I'm at Tule Springs Park sitting next to a spring fed pond at a picnic table. It's a really beautiful day. Let me paint the picture on the canvas of your mind for you.
Most of Vegas is a red dirt landscape with rocks of all sizes replacing the normal green plants you're use to. The dry wind blows through the sage and lavender bushes coloring the breeze with sweet fragrant purple blooms that seem to almost dance to their own unheard music. It's an odd kind of beauty so different from the lush green landscape of Florida. The sky here is so big. It's almost like it stretches from here to eternity and back. Far enough away from the city's center that you can almost forget about the big, garish buildings with their cold steel jutting from all angles out of the ground. Forget about the bright lights and the vomit of neon advertisements that flood the senses. Forget the hookers, the pushers, the feather covered dancers, and the magicians that will make your soul disappear if you let them. Here those harsh scenes give way to beautiful mountains that The Artist of all has lightly dusted with welcoming, almost beckoning, white heaven-like snow. The breeze has a bit of a bite to it. Just a little nibble is taken on your lungs with every breath, just enough to remind you that you here and you are alive. The air here is clean and filled with the scents of cactus blooms, pinon, ripe coconuts, and palm dates. The perfume on the breeze gently whispers stories of some far off Saharan Palace. Where beautiful, dark haired women dance in mesmerizing rhythm, enveloping you in a dazzling spectacle of color and secret forbidden pleasures. There are low grassy knolls that gently roll down to the spring's edge. The hills are reminiscent of the lovely body shape of a very voluptuous woman who has just laid down briefly for some rest and instead was caught in an eternal slumber. With every exhalation of her breath, she gave birth to groves of pine trees that are swollen with their fat, round pine cones issuing forth their thick memories of Christmases gone by scent. Her deep intake of breath draws to this place the water from within our Mother Earth. She fills the ponds with cold, bone chilling, life giving fluidity. Even in the stifling heat of a Las Vegas summer, these waters remain almost glacieral. Right under the calm surface of this sky mirror, there is a fresh water world that is teaming with life. With a well baited hook, one may even catch a fish tale worthy of rivaling Captain Ahab's telling of the quest for the great, white, Moby Dick. The sounds of children laughing, geese honking, and of birds singing create a soothing lullaby that envelopes you in a calm embrace similar to a mother's arms comforting her beloved child. This place, alive with enough alliteration to write a million poems, is where I sit alone. I sit here, all alone, immersed in thoughts and memories of you played for me on the movie reel of my minds eye.

Mirror, mirror on the wall

i fucking hate you. i hate the way you make me feel you make me want to severly hurt you you drive me crazy you with your lies and exaggerations you with your bullying and faking i fucking hate you your voice alone makes me feel sick the sight of you makes me want to turn the other way i hate the way that you are i hate the way you look with your box like shape i hate that you try to control me with your manipulations that you treat me like im less than you like im just a stupid dumb kid i hate the way your blank eyes stare at me so void of any feeling i want to pound your face to pull your hair out to slam you repeatedly against the wall till you pass out from pain and loss of blood i want to make you feel all of the pain that you make me feel that you've made me feel my whole damned life i hate you so much.

Where Am I?

you're pushing me away
the tighter you pull the reigns
the further away I get

you're pushing me away
I already feel cornered
my muscles tense

you're pushing me away
you tell me to talk to you
but you don't really hear me

you're pushing me away
you say and pretend to be
one way, but it's a lie

you're pushing me away
you say that you care
you do about perception

you're pushing me away
you claim to want to help
but what you do is hurt

you're pushing me away
I restrain myself so much
so as not to catch your attention

you're pushing me away
you want me to share with you
it's really just arming you with ammo

you're pushing me away
keep holding me and
one day I will be gone

you're pushing me away
I'm closer to you now
Yet so far, far away

you push me to far
I wont be able to
come back to this space again

I won't want to

Tattoo

Tattoo

The wind blew all the dried leaves in an array of dancing, colorful characters that would rise up as if out of the ground. They would spin and twirl, flitting about with each changing gust of the wind’s puppeting strings. These spirit like leaf beings flowed and floated in a dazzling array of deep robust reds, oranges, flecks of gold, and touches of silver, all around them. Moving and lifting in a seemingly choreographed intricate routine. There they sat, hand in hand, on the picnic table totally and completely engrossed by the spectacle that was a typical fall afternoon performance put on by mother nature herself. Two young people in love, being wrapped in autumn’s cool embrace.  I, on my rickety porch swing, watched and drunk in the entire scene, allowing it to transport me back to memories of times long since passed.

There the two of us were nervously exchanging idle chatter and eagerly anticipating what we both hoped would come. He reached out tentatively and took my hand in his as we gingerly walked to the park swings.  “So, um, tell me that you found the note that I put in your math book this morning!” “Note? What note? I totally just used my math book to do my homework, and I didn’t find a note!” Suddenly the already nervous look on his face turned into the look of sheer panic. “I put a note in your math book this morning thinking that you would find it later on. Oh, man, please don’t tell me that it fell out somewhere in the hallway! If any of the guys find it, they’ll never let me live it down!” I was enjoying the sudden squeaky quality his voice had taken on as well as the way his face changed as he searched the recesses of his memory trying to trace back his actions of the morning. “Yep, there was no note anywhere in my book…” His eyes met mine and I knew that instantly he would know that I was pulling his leg. Suddenly and with overwhelming speed he had me pinned against the swing set legs. “Ok, ok, I’m sorry, I’m sorry please stop!”  I was laughing hysterically finding it difficult to breathe in between the peels of laughter. “Oh, you think you’re really funny, huh?! You think it’s funny to see me panic, huh?! I bet it’s not so funny now, is it?!” He was tickling me relentlessly. Now it was his turn to enjoy the panicked look on my face. “Please stop, I’m sorry! I won’t do it again! Please stop!”

After regaining my composure, he led me to the swings. The swings with their old black rubber seats, and cold thick chains laying in wait to transport their riders on unforeseen adventures. He pushed me slowly, and I remember how the cool autumn breeze hit my face,  brought out the red apples of my cheeks and gave a bite to my lungs with every rise and fall of  breath. We were both quiet as he pushed me higher and higher in the swing. My mind was reeling with memories of every romantic love scene I had ever seen flash across the movie screen. I wanted so much in that moment to have the power to read his mind, and be able to know if he was just as nervous and scared as I was. Was he having feelings of doubt that maybe I don’t feel as strongly for him as he does for me, like I was? Thoughts of, how is this going to happen? Will I know what to do? Will I like it? Oh my God, will he like it? As I was running through this laundry list of doubts in my mind, I hadn’t noticed that the swing had stopped swinging .  His face was close to mine, and then as if in a dream, his lips were gently touching my lips. The world had stopped in that brief moment. A whirlwind had swept us up in a warm wave of tingling emotion. Every doubt, every care, every problem or concern that I had melted away with my first kiss. I tattooed in my mind every little detail of that moment. The sound of the leaves rustling in the breeze blowing around in a colorful kaleidoscope of constantly changing hues and shapes. The feel of his warm breathe on my face and the way our heartbeats seemed to sync with one another, his hand gently holding my face and pulling me closer to him. I wanted to memorialize this experience forever.

I don’t seem to recall when our kiss ended, but in my memory it goes on forever. Walking home that afternoon I felt like I was in this impenetrable bubble. I ran over and over again in my mind the movie reel of emotions that had played out that day. The young lovers I had been watching from across the street were making their departure followed by a wisp of windblown leaves that almost seemed like fingers reaching out for them to stay. With a smile lightly draped across my face, I closed my tired eyes. My body filled with that same anticipation of that long ago day, the inevitable feeling of things to come. Now, sitting here on my front porch swing, with this tattered old shawl wrapped around my shoulders, I allow the ghosts of times gone by to come and sweep my soul away onto the dance floor of eternity.

Written by: Marissa h.k. Gibson 01/26/2011

When We Were One

We were sitting practically
hip to hip in the cab of that
little red pickup truck.
Tent, a bag of clothes, and food
rattling around the bed as we drove.

I was torturing Dan with my
horrendous rendition of
Gloria Estefan's Mi Tierra
Every so often he would smile,
reach out, and hold my hand.

Just a few days prior to this day
I told Dan, crying, that he needed
to get me out of Texas or I was
going to go completely insane.
He held me and simply said, "OK."

He withdrew his check from the bank,
came home, packed up, and before I 
knew it, we were on the road
With radio blaring, holding hands, and
smiling at eachother...

We were driving to 
New Mexico...
Driving to
New Mexico... 

In That Life

He came into my life rather quick
He filled everyday with something new
This man 6"1' Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My dream

Before too long I was deeply in love
He had me giving up everything to be near him
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Love

Turned my back on family and friends
He promised he would take care of me
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Reason

We struggled just to have food in our bellies
He hustled and scammed to get whatever he could
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Drive

The harshness of our life was painful
He gave us both a way to kill the pain
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Savior

The euphoria was so welcome and blissful
He assured me that it wouldn't get out of hand
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Trust

The drugs quickly went from want to need
In his stupor, he would at times be so mean
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Dealer

There was not much we wouldn't do to not be sick
He said over and over that this time was the last
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Liar

When we did get money we would binge feed our need
He would be so gone that he would hit me and not remember
This man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Tormentor

The pain of our addiction pushed us deeper into it
He introduced a needle to my vein and made the pain go away
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Weakness

Our world revolved only on drugs and our pain
His sickness and mine was all that we shared now
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Nightmare

My spirit was broken by the life we were living
His abuse he rained on me was killing my need
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Death

Painfully I withstood the horror of withdrawls
He promised and claimed he was feeling it too
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
 My Deceiver

Finally, I thought, we are both clean and both sober
He hid it so well. The addiction I wouldn't see.
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Magician

The life we had wanted was finally to be ours
His addiction he continued to cover and feed
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Blindness

In dope rage he lashed out and laid hands again on me
His lying was done because now I could see
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Shame

I walked away from him for now and forever
He cried and he promised that he would change just for me
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Sorrow

I think of him often. I pray for him always. I cry over all that
He and I could have been
This Man 6"1', Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
My Forgiven

There once was a woman from Pluckett...

So full of hate. Hate for myself. Hate for my past. Hate for my present. Hate for my life. Hate the way you see me. Hate that you say you don't judge me, but you do. Hate that you blame me for your own issues. Hate that you don't really see me.  Hate the way I can't talk to you. Hate that you hear and don't listen. Hate that you see me as crippled. Hate that you see me as less than. Hate that you feel you must always hold my hand. Hate that you want me to be this and then are angry that I am that. Hate that you don't notice change in me. Hate that you won't let me heal from my past. Hate that you talk about me like I'm not there. Hate that you still can't trust me. Hate that I can't trust you either. Hate that you use kid gloves on me. Hate that you walk on egg shells around me. Hate that you see me as whore. Hate that you say be free but what you mean is be free in the constraints of this box. Hate that what I manage to share with you gets twisted. Hate who I am in your eyes. Hate that you impose your beliefs on me. Hate that I have to hide myself. Hate that I am constantly editing myself for you. Hate that no matter how you surround me I am alone and lonely. Hate that nothing of what is me, what is mine, what I hold dear, what I think, what I feel is sacred to you- worth keeping private- worth any value. Hate that unless I become like you, think like you, look like you, talk like you, act like you...I am nothing. Hate that I wake up every night crying. Hate that I am bi-polar and that's all that you see when you do manage to see me. What I hate most is that I love you and I actually care what you think, that I only am able to share a tiny little fraction of my pain and struggles with you, and that you will never understand. **I'm done now. Mask back on.** ***Smiles :) Smiles :) Smiles :)