This blog is in existence at the urging of my family and my brother in particular. I have been encouraged to post my writing in the hopes that it will give my family and friends some insight into the part of my world that I tend to keep hidden. What you read here doesn't even really begin to scratch the surface of of all the pages of words I have penned. I tend to post the things that I deem most "readable" by others.
Many times, after someone has read what I've written, I will be asked why does so much of my writing have a dark feel to it. The answer to that is simple...I write to be able to get the things I'm having a difficult time coping with out of my head. It helps me to deal with whatever it is that I'm having issue with at the time. It aids me to not lash out at those around me when I'm angry. It helps me sometimes just to allow these thoughts and feelings to gain some kind of tangibilty so that maybe, I can better work through them. The blissful happy times are acted out and lived through. It's the not so happy parts that usually get written about. Not all of my writing is emotion based in that way. A great deal of what I write is just pure creative art. An idea, a picture, a series of scenes runs through my head, and to be able to capture it, I put it in words. I may not write in any particular style, or follow any type of poetic rule, but my writing is...well, mine.
My bi-polar disorder controls so much of who I am, how I think, how I rationalize, how I react, and what I feel. Too many times, I allow it to control and rule me. Writing all the crap that floats around in my head helps me to gain some semblance of control. I make no apologies if some of what is read here is offensive or difficult for someone else to take in. I write for me, and for no one else. It is my diary, my journal of sorts. I can retrace my life's events through my musings. It helps me to recall things, to memorialize events, and to be able to remind myself why certain actions took place. Writing also helps me to track my moods, so that I can identify certain triggers in my life. It's extremely therapeutic to me.
One thing my brother told me whilst he was encouraging me to post my stuff was that maybe it would help someone else one day. That is my secret hope. That one day someone may stumble upon this collection of random mutterings and find some comfort, some relief, some insight into their own life. That would truly give my writing it's own life. So, I will continue writing so long as it continues to suit me. My only hope is that in all these words you are able to better see me, and better see whatever it is that you are searching for.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Fooled
Is there no one I can talk to?
Is there no one I can trust?
Try to share my fears with someone
But my words get all torn up
They come back to me all twisted
All the things that I have shared
All my thoughts are now just mangled
Into something I've not said
Talk to me is what is told me
Tell me all your deepest fears
Open up your once locked feelings
I will keep them safe, I swear
Please then tell me why you waivered
How what I've said has somehow grown
Into this thing that stands before me
Which is something I don't know
How my words which are unmolded
Have a life now of their own
With a soul I did not give them
sprung forth from seeds I did not sew
Explain to me how I can trust you
with the feelings in my heart
When I know next time I hear them
They will be all but torn apart
Fool me once, the shame is yours now
Fool me twice, it's mine alone
All the faith invested in you
Is unfortunately all gone
Never again will I be foolish
With all the thoughts I hold so dear
My wall I will build up much stronger
To protect all of my fears
Is there no one I can trust?
Try to share my fears with someone
But my words get all torn up
They come back to me all twisted
All the things that I have shared
All my thoughts are now just mangled
Into something I've not said
Talk to me is what is told me
Tell me all your deepest fears
Open up your once locked feelings
I will keep them safe, I swear
Please then tell me why you waivered
How what I've said has somehow grown
Into this thing that stands before me
Which is something I don't know
How my words which are unmolded
Have a life now of their own
With a soul I did not give them
sprung forth from seeds I did not sew
Explain to me how I can trust you
with the feelings in my heart
When I know next time I hear them
They will be all but torn apart
Fool me once, the shame is yours now
Fool me twice, it's mine alone
All the faith invested in you
Is unfortunately all gone
Never again will I be foolish
With all the thoughts I hold so dear
My wall I will build up much stronger
To protect all of my fears
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Interminable
here i am everyone is asleep the house is dark and there is only the endless humming of the fan to keep me company....that and all of the thoughts streaming through my head and emotions swirling in my heart.
my thoughts my endless ceaseless thoughts always always always drum drum drumming in my head i never have peace i never have silence even when i am sleeping the thoughts cloud my dreams.
my feelings go through this constant upswing and downswing up down up down up down always moving never stopping never coming to that always hoped for plateau of equilibrium.
i am constantly being flooded by a barrage a blizzard a never ending hurricane of thoughts and emotions i try my best to put on a face of calm a smiling mask a poker face a lie of who I am and how i feel.
talk to me they say how are you feeling today tell me what you think show me how you feel let me in i can help let me hear let me see let me know i understand i don't understand just keep it to myself.
i hear them i am screaming inside i see them i am crying inside i love them my heart breaks inside i hate them please don't leave me i am leaving please come find me i show them peace inside i can't stop running running fleeing never ever ever escaping here i am everyone is asleep the house is dark and there is only the endless humming of the fan to keep me company...that and all of the thoughts streaming in my head and emotions swirling in my heart...for eternity it is always this...
my thoughts my endless ceaseless thoughts always always always drum drum drumming in my head i never have peace i never have silence even when i am sleeping the thoughts cloud my dreams.
my feelings go through this constant upswing and downswing up down up down up down always moving never stopping never coming to that always hoped for plateau of equilibrium.
i am constantly being flooded by a barrage a blizzard a never ending hurricane of thoughts and emotions i try my best to put on a face of calm a smiling mask a poker face a lie of who I am and how i feel.
talk to me they say how are you feeling today tell me what you think show me how you feel let me in i can help let me hear let me see let me know i understand i don't understand just keep it to myself.
i hear them i am screaming inside i see them i am crying inside i love them my heart breaks inside i hate them please don't leave me i am leaving please come find me i show them peace inside i can't stop running running fleeing never ever ever escaping here i am everyone is asleep the house is dark and there is only the endless humming of the fan to keep me company...that and all of the thoughts streaming in my head and emotions swirling in my heart...for eternity it is always this...
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
My Rollercoaster
Up, up, up the steep tracks I slowly climb
My mood getting higher and more fevered with each passing fret
I teeter slowly back and forth on the precipice of my mind
Before I even have time to prepare
The pendulum swings and hurls my thoughts quickly down the slope
My stomach is suddenly in my throat trapping in my screams of woe
Then up I go back up the winding track
To swerve suddenly down and loop-d-loop my thoughts around my mind
I try to make sense of all the swirling images and blurs that pass my eyes
The part I seem to dread and fear the most
Is not the heart pounding highs of the ride or deafening lows
But of the gut wrenching, breath stealing, sudden soul leaving of ride's end.
With rapid heart, I'll stand in line in hopes to get to ride this life again.
My mood getting higher and more fevered with each passing fret
I teeter slowly back and forth on the precipice of my mind
Before I even have time to prepare
The pendulum swings and hurls my thoughts quickly down the slope
My stomach is suddenly in my throat trapping in my screams of woe
Then up I go back up the winding track
To swerve suddenly down and loop-d-loop my thoughts around my mind
I try to make sense of all the swirling images and blurs that pass my eyes
The part I seem to dread and fear the most
Is not the heart pounding highs of the ride or deafening lows
But of the gut wrenching, breath stealing, sudden soul leaving of ride's end.
With rapid heart, I'll stand in line in hopes to get to ride this life again.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Erik
My heart is breaking and somewhere across town another heart breaks simultaneously with mine.
We tried so hard to make it, but choices were made that pulled us apart
Though we both want so much to be together, it doesn't seem meant to be
I love him so much and with all that I am that it has become increasingly difficult to breath
I want nothing more than just to run to him and run away, but I fear we wouldn't make it
So instead, I die little by little with every passing minute away from him
I never knew you could die of a broken heart, but surely it must be
We tried so hard to make it, but choices were made that pulled us apart
Though we both want so much to be together, it doesn't seem meant to be
I love him so much and with all that I am that it has become increasingly difficult to breath
I want nothing more than just to run to him and run away, but I fear we wouldn't make it
So instead, I die little by little with every passing minute away from him
I never knew you could die of a broken heart, but surely it must be
Thursday, November 18, 2010
You don't know me
Sept. 2010
You Don't Know Me
I've seen the golden rays of heaven, felt the healing power of God's light. I've walked through the raging rivers of fire and had them burn my life. No gun was ever pointed at my head by someone's hand except mine own. Not once was a something thrust upon me that I did not ask if not scream for it to be thrown. Many times I'm locked in my own prison with me as the taunting gatekeeper, always with keys in hand. They call me "Bi-Polar", they say I'm unhinged. They all want to hide me or show me as their own personal sin. I AM ME. Not taken advantage of, Not lacking in skill, Not wanting for beauty, Just wanting to feel........Anything other than this. There in the problem lies.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson
You Don't Know Me
I've seen the golden rays of heaven, felt the healing power of God's light. I've walked through the raging rivers of fire and had them burn my life. No gun was ever pointed at my head by someone's hand except mine own. Not once was a something thrust upon me that I did not ask if not scream for it to be thrown. Many times I'm locked in my own prison with me as the taunting gatekeeper, always with keys in hand. They call me "Bi-Polar", they say I'm unhinged. They all want to hide me or show me as their own personal sin. I AM ME. Not taken advantage of, Not lacking in skill, Not wanting for beauty, Just wanting to feel........Anything other than this. There in the problem lies.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson
My War
Nov 3, 2010
Current mood:
crazy
crazyMy war
In these times of fevered woe
When the passions run so high
When my thoughts are cloudy skies
and my mind's a muddy mess
I seek strength that I once had
but I find myself so weak
It seems easier to me to
let others lead the way
Though these are the thoughts I have
the control I cannot give
For my mind is not as weak
as some people may surmise
There is something that's so deep
that tells me to stand and fight
For the loves I hold so deep
For the things I feel inside
For my tentative control
For the will to stay alive
So under cloudy skies I walk
With my thoughts caked in dark mud
to live to fight another day
For the hope that I have lost
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Nov 10
When the passions run so high
When my thoughts are cloudy skies
and my mind's a muddy mess
I seek strength that I once had
but I find myself so weak
It seems easier to me to
let others lead the way
Though these are the thoughts I have
the control I cannot give
For my mind is not as weak
as some people may surmise
There is something that's so deep
that tells me to stand and fight
For the loves I hold so deep
For the things I feel inside
For my tentative control
For the will to stay alive
So under cloudy skies I walk
With my thoughts caked in dark mud
to live to fight another day
For the hope that I have lost
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Nov 10
Alone by Edgar Allan Poe
Current mood:
blank
blankAlone by Edgar Allan Poe
Alone by Edgar Allan Poe
From childhood's hour I have not beenAs others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
Somethingcidal
Current mood:
drained
drainedSomethingcidal
Cant explain how this feels All I know is I must kill this living growing thing this horrible obesession inside me I cant explain how it feels All I know is how it overwhelms me taking over each waking moment and then quickly becoming my nightmare U want to know how this feels just take my hand and let me show you how it can quickly control you twist and bend and unmold you leave you forever in its trenches Now can you see how it feels to be in the grips of this demon this hungry plague that consumes me this constant death thats neverending...but can it beat a bullet aimed point blank to my temple Just pull the trigger and lets see
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson
Fall Mornings
Current mood:
breezy
breezyFall Mornings
Running through clouds that lay on the ground.
Spinning and dancing and twirling around.
Allowing the wind to blow me to all the corners of this vast world.
Hoping, waiting, and watching my dream unfold...
Into my reality. Into purple majesty. Into the far away ocean of stars.
Will you come with me?
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Oct 08
Spinning and dancing and twirling around.
Allowing the wind to blow me to all the corners of this vast world.
Hoping, waiting, and watching my dream unfold...
Into my reality. Into purple majesty. Into the far away ocean of stars.
Will you come with me?
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Oct 08
Life giving death
ep 24, 2008
Current mood:
ashamed
ashamedLife giving death
Premature decisions made by overripe thoughts.
Like a rotting fruit, my brain festers in its on putridity.
The ideas that come forth reek with morbidity.
My soul fights the rancor of all this self deprication.
It knows that even the best trees can bear the worst fruit.
My heart churns away, composting what's dead into new life.
Hope tells me that amidst the dark and dank, the sweetest flowers bloom.
Faith keeps me going with the promising scent of a fresh bouquet.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Sept. 08
Like a rotting fruit, my brain festers in its on putridity.
The ideas that come forth reek with morbidity.
My soul fights the rancor of all this self deprication.
It knows that even the best trees can bear the worst fruit.
My heart churns away, composting what's dead into new life.
Hope tells me that amidst the dark and dank, the sweetest flowers bloom.
Faith keeps me going with the promising scent of a fresh bouquet.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Sept. 08
Waking from a very erotic dream that went horribly wrong
Apr 5, 2008
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Apr. 08
Waking from a very erotic dream that went horribly wrong
It is easy, almost too easy that we tend to want to give into our carnal pleasures. Why is this viewed in such a negative light? You can't help who or why you are attracted someone, but mostly you have this overwhelming sense of need to make that person a part of your life. I have one such person in my life that I am soo thankful that he is a part of my life and that he has always been willing to lend and ear or a hand. So why then do we get into such great misunderstanding????? I have no idea. All I know is that I want to do everthing I can to improve this person's life.Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Apr. 08
A Quiet Wish
Mar 19, 2008
You look into my eyes...but you see past me.
I reach out to take your hand...do you feel me?
You hold my hand...but you don’t touch me.
My heart it loves you unconditionally...do you know it?
Your words say they love me...but your actions speak louder.
A simple unsolicited touch is all I need. It’s not much. A true show of your affection is what I crave. Come and sit next to me; there’s no words needed. When I lay next to you hold me without me asking you to. Put my needs and wants sometimes as your priority. I am easy to please and already yours. Open your heart and I will open a new world for you.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- March 08
A quiet wish
Look into my eyes...can you see me?You look into my eyes...but you see past me.
I reach out to take your hand...do you feel me?
You hold my hand...but you don’t touch me.
My heart it loves you unconditionally...do you know it?
Your words say they love me...but your actions speak louder.
A simple unsolicited touch is all I need. It’s not much. A true show of your affection is what I crave. Come and sit next to me; there’s no words needed. When I lay next to you hold me without me asking you to. Put my needs and wants sometimes as your priority. I am easy to please and already yours. Open your heart and I will open a new world for you.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- March 08
Damn this Bi-Polar disorder
Jan 31, 2008
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Feb. 08
Current mood:
aggravated
aggravatedDamn this Bi-Polar disorder
There are so many thoughts that cloud my mind, and none of them seem to make sense. My bi-polarism seems to have taken a horrible swing and I am not sure if I can survive the dip this time. The dark thoughts that come with the downfall in mood swings fills my every waking moment. I try in vain to be positive (It's much easier being positive for others than it is for myself). I am finding it more and more difficult to pick myself up and give myself a reason to keep going. Everything is so random, my thoughts, my actions, my decisions. People that depend on me for positive support come to me for my usual uplifting sentiments, and frankly, I'm running so low that it is taking every ounce of energy not to lash out in anger and just tell people to screw off. I try to do the whole self talk thing, but all that keeps coming to my mind is negative and dark. I scare myself, and I can't even believe that I'm even blogging about this crap. Even this is random and all over the place. I can't even control my damn thoughts right now. I can't escape the feeling of wanting to run and be alone. I want to protect those around me from my rath and feel like it's better to just be alone. It's freaking pathetic. I am angered by my weakness and inablility to reign this in. Everything sends me into uncontollable anger or incessant crying. I am at a loss, but I keep telling myself to bear through it and it will come to pass. Before I know it I'll be on an upswing and be back to the other person I am. My decisions are irrational and I am putting everything at risk. I want to just allow myself to be engulfed in the fog that is rolling in. The people in my life claim to be in understanding of this damn disorder, but really, they are not. They tip toe around me and edit themselves or simply just hide away. I don't blame them. If I were them, I wouldn't want to be involved with me either. I feel so completely unhinged and crazy right now. These are the times when I want to put my fist through glass or do the most random acts of damage to myself for no good freakin reason. If this is frightening you, I apologize, but imagine for a moment feeling like this. It doesn't help that the person closest to me is going through mad struggles of their own. Still, I continue to be supportive of this person, and like me, this person just pushes me away, lashes out in anger (that I'm not even sure they're aware of), and becomes withdrawn and indifferent. Is it that they don't want to cause me hurt, or that they don't want to be hurt, or that they are not aware, or that this person just truly doesn't care? The "what if's" and "should've, could've, would've's" are killing us both. I feel this person suffering as deeply as I feel my own. I don't know what to do. I just don't know where to turn. To quote this person, "I stand alone."Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Feb. 08
Unexpected Expectations
Jan 31, 2008
Flowing towards eternities
Unexpected synergies
Mesh in unseen rhythms
Who's to know
What path will show
We stand in awe
Of Nature's scheme
The Universe extends
her wings
The question is will we
allow her to enfold us...
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- sometime in Sept. 07
Current mood:blank
blankUnexpected Expectations
The ebb and flow of energiesFlowing towards eternities
Unexpected synergies
Mesh in unseen rhythms
Who's to know
What path will show
We stand in awe
Of Nature's scheme
The Universe extends
her wings
The question is will we
allow her to enfold us...
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- sometime in Sept. 07
It's my damn birthday 2007
Dec 29, 2007
It's strange how much one tiny year can change a person. I went out tonight with one of my best friends (Thanks Brandon and Tony) partied like a Rock Star at the Bonham Exchange. Being surrounded by all of these fresh, idealistic faces has caused me to look back on my own life.
In my life there have been so many influences that it would take me a lifetime to list them all. First and foremost, there is my family. The people that have stood by my side through it ALL. Though we may argue, fight, and have our disagreements, they have always come through for me thoughout my life. Second, is Dan, my husband. He is my closest and dearest friend, and despite it all he remains always at my side whenever I need him. He is a good man whom I am blessed to have in my life. He accepts me for who I am, and loves me in spite of all of my shortcomings ( and there are many). I also want to mention my dearest friends-Randy, Abel, Ruben, Brandon, Josef, Erik, and Vanessa. They have all put their time in with me, and I am a better person for having them as part of my life. I also want to thank God. Though I have doubted your existence, you continue to bless me and show yourself through others in my life.
Though much has changed in the last year, much has remained the same. I continue with my struggle to know and love myself. I strive on everyday to be a better person and to leave my imprint on this troubled World that we are living in.
I am thankful for all of the wonderful people, and experiences in my life.
Randy, if you're reading this, know that you are always in my heart and in my prayers, and I hope that you continue to have faith and love in your life. You do and will always hold a very special place in my heart. Thank you for helping me to renew my faith in this whole experience of life. Of all of the people that have come into my life this past year, I think I am most grateful for you. You have shown me, through your actions, friendship, and love that there is always hope to be had and better choices to make.
Brandon, what can I say other than you mean the world to me. You have encouraged me to continue to fight the good fight. You are my shoulder to cry on, my dance partner, my confidant, my strength, and one of my best friends. I am so happy that you are a part of my life. You are an inspiration and a mentor to me, and I cherish our relationship.
Josef, my J, my gamer, my kindred, my brotha from anotha motha, I love you. Though we have had our moments of stress and anger with one another, we always seem to come out on top. Your friendship to me is one that I hope to have my whole life. Your faith in God has helped me to renew my own connection with our Creator, and I thank you for that. I don't really know if I would have survived this year without your humor, pushiness (lol), presence and friendship. Thank You, J, for allowing me to be a part of your life.
Erik, Whoa. What can I possibly say to you that you haven't heard me say a hundred times over? You are a true friend who I always know I can count on to have my back. Though our friendship is still fairly new, I feel like we have known eachother for an eternity. Whether in times of strength or in times of struggle, you have shown me that there isn't anything that we can't overcome if we put our minds to it. I thank God for you in my life and I feel priviledged to be a part of yours. You are my reason...
So, as I draw my 34th year of life to a close, I feel ovewhelmed with gratefulness for all the wonderful experiences that have helped to mold and direct me. I look forward to the coming New Year with anticipation and hope.
One love ~Marissa
Current mood:
cooky/wacky
cooky/wackyIt’s my damn birthday.....
Well, another year has passed, and as of December 30th at 3am, I am now 34 yrs old.It's strange how much one tiny year can change a person. I went out tonight with one of my best friends (Thanks Brandon and Tony) partied like a Rock Star at the Bonham Exchange. Being surrounded by all of these fresh, idealistic faces has caused me to look back on my own life.
In my life there have been so many influences that it would take me a lifetime to list them all. First and foremost, there is my family. The people that have stood by my side through it ALL. Though we may argue, fight, and have our disagreements, they have always come through for me thoughout my life. Second, is Dan, my husband. He is my closest and dearest friend, and despite it all he remains always at my side whenever I need him. He is a good man whom I am blessed to have in my life. He accepts me for who I am, and loves me in spite of all of my shortcomings ( and there are many). I also want to mention my dearest friends-Randy, Abel, Ruben, Brandon, Josef, Erik, and Vanessa. They have all put their time in with me, and I am a better person for having them as part of my life. I also want to thank God. Though I have doubted your existence, you continue to bless me and show yourself through others in my life.
Though much has changed in the last year, much has remained the same. I continue with my struggle to know and love myself. I strive on everyday to be a better person and to leave my imprint on this troubled World that we are living in.
I am thankful for all of the wonderful people, and experiences in my life.
Randy, if you're reading this, know that you are always in my heart and in my prayers, and I hope that you continue to have faith and love in your life. You do and will always hold a very special place in my heart. Thank you for helping me to renew my faith in this whole experience of life. Of all of the people that have come into my life this past year, I think I am most grateful for you. You have shown me, through your actions, friendship, and love that there is always hope to be had and better choices to make.
Brandon, what can I say other than you mean the world to me. You have encouraged me to continue to fight the good fight. You are my shoulder to cry on, my dance partner, my confidant, my strength, and one of my best friends. I am so happy that you are a part of my life. You are an inspiration and a mentor to me, and I cherish our relationship.
Josef, my J, my gamer, my kindred, my brotha from anotha motha, I love you. Though we have had our moments of stress and anger with one another, we always seem to come out on top. Your friendship to me is one that I hope to have my whole life. Your faith in God has helped me to renew my own connection with our Creator, and I thank you for that. I don't really know if I would have survived this year without your humor, pushiness (lol), presence and friendship. Thank You, J, for allowing me to be a part of your life.
Erik, Whoa. What can I possibly say to you that you haven't heard me say a hundred times over? You are a true friend who I always know I can count on to have my back. Though our friendship is still fairly new, I feel like we have known eachother for an eternity. Whether in times of strength or in times of struggle, you have shown me that there isn't anything that we can't overcome if we put our minds to it. I thank God for you in my life and I feel priviledged to be a part of yours. You are my reason...
So, as I draw my 34th year of life to a close, I feel ovewhelmed with gratefulness for all the wonderful experiences that have helped to mold and direct me. I look forward to the coming New Year with anticipation and hope.
One love ~Marissa
The Lake of Life
Nov 13, 2007
Absorbing me
Grabbing, stabbing, pulling, drowning
Life's reeds reaching out for me
My mind it tries to grasp and reason
My body struggles- it fights for breath
My limbs frantically clawing for surface
All of it in vain, as I fall to the depths
The harder I struggle the tighter the grip
that keeps pulling me down
I am blinded by darkness-my eyes frantically
searching for light
I start losing all feeling-my lungs ache
to take just one breath
The dark lake water has me locked deep in
its depths
It's murky, frigid waves steal away my
Will to live
I'm suffocating in my problems and I'm
drowning in all my fears
The reeds of death are wrapping round me
And all I have now is my tears.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson-Nov.07
Current mood:
discontent
discontentThe Lake of Life
Darkness, paralyzing cold, loudly quietAbsorbing me
Grabbing, stabbing, pulling, drowning
Life's reeds reaching out for me
My mind it tries to grasp and reason
My body struggles- it fights for breath
My limbs frantically clawing for surface
All of it in vain, as I fall to the depths
The harder I struggle the tighter the grip
that keeps pulling me down
I am blinded by darkness-my eyes frantically
searching for light
I start losing all feeling-my lungs ache
to take just one breath
The dark lake water has me locked deep in
its depths
It's murky, frigid waves steal away my
Will to live
I'm suffocating in my problems and I'm
drowning in all my fears
The reeds of death are wrapping round me
And all I have now is my tears.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson-Nov.07
Where is the light?
Oct 17, 2007
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Oct 2007
Current mood:
frustrated
frustratedWhere is the light?
With heavy heart I write these words. No escape from this pain can I find. I try and talk to myself to focus on the positive, but all I see is the negative. I'm constantly surrounded by people, but always feel so utterly alone. I hear the drone of their words and the constantly changing expressions of their faces, and I hear nothing- I feel nothing. It's affecting, every part of my life. My relationships are suffering, my work life is suffering, my personal life is suffering, I am suffering. I can't seem to change this train of thought. All I want is escape. Escape from this constant barrage of self destructive thoughts. Hopelessness. I even seek out God, but I think even he has turned a deaf ear on me. All I keep asking myself is....Why, and why not?Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Oct 2007
The Fantasy
Oct 14, 2007
Saw right through me
Your eyes caught me in their trance
It called me
Tore down my walls
Your smile brought light to my world
They heard me
No judgement given
You perceived the pain through the smile
They touched me
Warmly and gently
Your hands melted away my shame
You knew me
Saw, listened, and touched
Our bodies fit like two pieces of a long forgotten puzzle
Through spaces of time
Across endless miles
You called out to me
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson-Oct. 2007
Current mood:
complacent
complacentThe Fantasy
They saw meSaw right through me
Your eyes caught me in their trance
It called me
Tore down my walls
Your smile brought light to my world
They heard me
No judgement given
You perceived the pain through the smile
They touched me
Warmly and gently
Your hands melted away my shame
You knew me
Saw, listened, and touched
Our bodies fit like two pieces of a long forgotten puzzle
Through spaces of time
Across endless miles
You called out to me
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson-Oct. 2007
Make me beg
Sep 14, 2007
Aching for the ocean, for the peace of it's waves to wash over me
Feeling absolutely insane, all of these thoughts are overwhelming me
Wanting to feel pain, the emotions pouring red right out of me.
Why does it have to be this way? Why does this life have to test my strength?
I can prove I'm not strong, just keep right on pushing me to the edge.
Razor sharp is the blade in my hand, my blood is begging to pour out.
Wanting to feel the sweet pain of the cut, so that I can feel something else.
Not sure where these hazy, crazy things I think are leading me.
All I know is I want an escape that somehow is eluding me.
My emotions are running so strong.
Hear my screams that aren't escaping me.
Why does this world have to go on?
Feel like it would be better if it lacked me.
This song that is trapped inside my head is slowly driving me insane.
There is no outward reason for my pain but it's still onwardly driving me.
Tearing and clawing at my flesh is this sensation that is filling me.
Want the world to end tonight, that's where these thoughts are leading me.
Help me scratch out of this box that is entrapping me.
Want the cool fingers of death to take their forever grip on me.
The slumber of everlasting sleep it is begging for me to come.
Alas I will succumb, alas I will succumb.
Come to me dark angel, I wait for Thee in anticipating pleasure.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson
- Sept 2007
Current mood:
gloomy
gloomyMake me beg
Twisted emotions, not sure where this wind is blowing meAching for the ocean, for the peace of it's waves to wash over me
Feeling absolutely insane, all of these thoughts are overwhelming me
Wanting to feel pain, the emotions pouring red right out of me.
Why does it have to be this way? Why does this life have to test my strength?
I can prove I'm not strong, just keep right on pushing me to the edge.
Razor sharp is the blade in my hand, my blood is begging to pour out.
Wanting to feel the sweet pain of the cut, so that I can feel something else.
Not sure where these hazy, crazy things I think are leading me.
All I know is I want an escape that somehow is eluding me.
My emotions are running so strong.
Hear my screams that aren't escaping me.
Why does this world have to go on?
Feel like it would be better if it lacked me.
This song that is trapped inside my head is slowly driving me insane.
There is no outward reason for my pain but it's still onwardly driving me.
Tearing and clawing at my flesh is this sensation that is filling me.
Want the world to end tonight, that's where these thoughts are leading me.
Help me scratch out of this box that is entrapping me.
Want the cool fingers of death to take their forever grip on me.
The slumber of everlasting sleep it is begging for me to come.
Alas I will succumb, alas I will succumb.
Come to me dark angel, I wait for Thee in anticipating pleasure.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson
- Sept 2007
Yoda? Where am I?
Sep 11, 2007
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Sept 2007
Current mood:discontent
discontentYoda? Where am I?
Wandering, wondering, here in my thoughts. Thinking about my decisions of late. Everything reaches it's point of reckoning and I'm just waiting for my day to come. There seems to be no sense to made or no method to my maddness, and that in itself, is maddening. I like to fool myself into thinking that I live my life, but the truth is that I feel as if I'm letting my life live me. I put up this fictional facade of a person that I want others to believe I am, but I am not the person that they think they see. Besieged by a hail storm of loathing and self doubt. I try to appease this sense of incompetence by portraying this total self confidence. It's all a masquerade to me. Going about life pretending to be who you want me to be. I've done this for so long now, that I think that I have really lost myself this time. Where the hell have I gone, and why did I forsake myself? The answer is in the question. Yeah, right. Unless Yoda is who you want me to be then, "Yes, the answer to your question is." Oh crap, I am lost. Now I'm channeling the spirit of a fictional green creature. Where can I be hiding, and why am I so afraid of myself...whoever I am?Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Sept 2007
An Exercise in Futility
Aug 27, 2007
A nightmare of pain and delusions I have no fight
Fooling myself into thinking there's some way out
My mind is here for the taking I have no doubt
In a universe of rhyme there is no reason
In a tale as old as time there is no season
How can this be? How can this be?
Useless words I read typed on the screen
Meaningless songs I hear sung in between
I walk in the day yet my shadow won't follow
My heartbeat I hear but my chest is so hollow
In a world of concise figures there is no measure
In a place where joy has no limits I can't find pleasure
How can this be? How can this be?
The sun shines it's heat yet I feel cold
The face of a young woman is what is seen but I am old
A feast is laid before me but I can't taste
A life foretold of promise it's all a waste
A vampire's definition with no reflection is what I give
A mortal life with no hope is what I live
How can this be? How can this be?
Yet, It Is, For Here I Am
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Aug 2007
Current mood:cynical
cynicalAn Exercise in Futility
A world of darkly confusions there is no lightA nightmare of pain and delusions I have no fight
Fooling myself into thinking there's some way out
My mind is here for the taking I have no doubt
In a universe of rhyme there is no reason
In a tale as old as time there is no season
How can this be? How can this be?
Useless words I read typed on the screen
Meaningless songs I hear sung in between
I walk in the day yet my shadow won't follow
My heartbeat I hear but my chest is so hollow
In a world of concise figures there is no measure
In a place where joy has no limits I can't find pleasure
How can this be? How can this be?
The sun shines it's heat yet I feel cold
The face of a young woman is what is seen but I am old
A feast is laid before me but I can't taste
A life foretold of promise it's all a waste
A vampire's definition with no reflection is what I give
A mortal life with no hope is what I live
How can this be? How can this be?
Yet, It Is, For Here I Am
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Aug 2007
Darkness Falls
Aug 6, 2007
Hear the voices singing lowly
My ears hear them...how bout yours?
Heat free fingers reaching for me
My skin feels them...how bout yours?
The tears and fear you see within me
Yet you cannot comprehend.
Try to convince myself that I'm not crazy
As I feel them closing in.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- August 2007
Current mood:
anxious
anxiousDarkness Falls
Shadows lurking in the corner
My eyes see them...how bout yours?Hear the voices singing lowly
My ears hear them...how bout yours?
Heat free fingers reaching for me
My skin feels them...how bout yours?
The tears and fear you see within me
Yet you cannot comprehend.
Try to convince myself that I'm not crazy
As I feel them closing in.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- August 2007
American Dreams
Aug 6, 2007
The sky's the limit....
The sky must be falling.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- August 2007
Current mood:anxious
anxiousAmerican Dreams
Infinite impossibilities.The sky's the limit....
The sky must be falling.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- August 2007
Child's Eyes
Jul 11, 2007
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- July 2007
Current mood:cynical
cynicalChild's Eyes
The world outside or in my head whichever one
does not make sense
does not make sense
Decisions made with contemplation, rationals, or justifications all seem to lead to naught
Struggle daily to take a breath, get out of bed, and be productive
By who's definition am I living and basing these beliefs I hold
Thoughts well formed or malformed who is to say but me
Theories and contradictions are what I find in this world religion of hate and intolerance
Judge not lest you be judged by man, by woman, by child, by priest, by clown, by wind, by sky
This is not the world I envisioned in my innocence- so sweet
That is why it was innocent-
My eyes could not see what my mind had yet to comprehend
My view was straight and clean without a life's jaded cynical bend
Music was nothing more than an enjoyable beat to spin round and round with my arms stretched out wide to
The world was a beautiful kaleidoscope of people without race or color
Words were tied to silk strings that weaved in out of infinity in a dazzling blur
Now my heart cries for its innocence lost
My mind aches to return to its blissful ignorance
My eyes tear for their long lost rose colored glasses
Was innocence lost or was innocence stolen or was it simply just given away
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- July 2007
Ode to the Frog Dog
June 12, 2007
She was always there
Loyal, loving, protective
Red haired, hazel eyed, frog dog
She was our friend, sometimes our only friend
Our companion, always ready to go
Anywhere, anytime, as long as it was with us
Through fields of green, on mountains high
In river bed streams, under snowy skies
Running, jumping, rolling, sleeping
Chasing water- flying through the air
Romping through ocean waves, hunting frogs in the reeds
Swimming round the boat, running in the sea
There with us through it all
The love, the fights, the laughs, the highs
Through struggles and broken dreams
From place to place always happy to go
Under desert sun, and moonlit skies
Keeping us safe, watching guard through the nights
Forever our friend, always in our hearts
Our Gorilla, Our Lavah, Our Fat Girl, Our Savah
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- June 2007
We miss you soooo much, but know you're still keeping guard.
Current mood:
nostalgic
nostalgicOde to the Frog Dog-
Kind eyes, cold nose, warm heartShe was always there
Loyal, loving, protective
Red haired, hazel eyed, frog dog
She was our friend, sometimes our only friend
Our companion, always ready to go
Anywhere, anytime, as long as it was with us
Through fields of green, on mountains high
In river bed streams, under snowy skies
Running, jumping, rolling, sleeping
Chasing water- flying through the air
Romping through ocean waves, hunting frogs in the reeds
Swimming round the boat, running in the sea
There with us through it all
The love, the fights, the laughs, the highs
Through struggles and broken dreams
From place to place always happy to go
Under desert sun, and moonlit skies
Keeping us safe, watching guard through the nights
Forever our friend, always in our hearts
Our Gorilla, Our Lavah, Our Fat Girl, Our Savah
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- June 2007
We miss you soooo much, but know you're still keeping guard.
Across the miles
Jun 2, 2007
From across the world I feel you calling to me
Your heart reaches out for mine
Miles in between; nothing matters
My mind drifts to thoughts of you
Your scent, your feel, the essence of everything that you are
My dreams unfold before me
The heat of your body I feel
The beckoning of your lips to mine
There is no distance in between us
I see you lying in wait for me
My body calls for you, my heart aches for you
Alas, the miles prove to grave a distance
Sleep becomes me
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- June 2007
Current mood:
drunk
drunkAcross the miles
Flashes of silver lightFrom across the world I feel you calling to me
Your heart reaches out for mine
Miles in between; nothing matters
My mind drifts to thoughts of you
Your scent, your feel, the essence of everything that you are
My dreams unfold before me
The heat of your body I feel
The beckoning of your lips to mine
There is no distance in between us
I see you lying in wait for me
My body calls for you, my heart aches for you
Alas, the miles prove to grave a distance
Sleep becomes me
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- June 2007
Night's Embrace
May 25, 2007
The strong line of his back the light unveils for me
Moonlight shining revealing every rise and fall of breath
A Hand it reaches out to impel me
The heat is felt a second before the touch
of skin
Welcoming warmth and wetness of beckoning lips
The scent of perfume, cologne, and him fill my senses
With unbridled strength of beauty his arms embrace me
The hearts that beat as two, now beat as one
Overwhelming sense of freedom- it engulfs me
Our bodies intertwined- his passion fills me
With manic breaths- we sink into this moment
The passion is exploding deep within us
With energy spent in this blissful fervor
Our bodies fold and comfort one another
Then the night it takes us to her slumber
She reaches out her dark arms and then enfolds us
A restful sleep in love's responsive pleasure
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- May 2007
Current mood:happy
happyNight's Embrace
Light through darkness' windowThe strong line of his back the light unveils for me
Moonlight shining revealing every rise and fall of breath
A Hand it reaches out to impel me
The heat is felt a second before the touch
of skin
Welcoming warmth and wetness of beckoning lips
The scent of perfume, cologne, and him fill my senses
With unbridled strength of beauty his arms embrace me
The hearts that beat as two, now beat as one
Overwhelming sense of freedom- it engulfs me
Our bodies intertwined- his passion fills me
With manic breaths- we sink into this moment
The passion is exploding deep within us
With energy spent in this blissful fervor
Our bodies fold and comfort one another
Then the night it takes us to her slumber
She reaches out her dark arms and then enfolds us
A restful sleep in love's responsive pleasure
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- May 2007
Can't Let Go
May 25, 2007
Current mood:cheerful
cheerfulCan't Let go
Spirits lurk in the cool breeze of night's black cloak
Floating in and out of sight
On this cool wet earth, in the fresh night air, in my open mind, and back to earth again
Shadows move in the loud quiet stillness of the night's dark embrace
Remembering long ago memories, recalling familiar steps, revisiting loves long since lost
Dancing, Laughing, Being
Calling, Calling, Calling
Never again to be seen, or heard, or felt again
Floating in and out of sight
On this cool wet earth, in the fresh night air, in my open mind, and back to earth again
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- May 2007
Floating in and out of sight
On this cool wet earth, in the fresh night air, in my open mind, and back to earth again
Shadows move in the loud quiet stillness of the night's dark embrace
Remembering long ago memories, recalling familiar steps, revisiting loves long since lost
Dancing, Laughing, Being
Calling, Calling, Calling
Never again to be seen, or heard, or felt again
Floating in and out of sight
On this cool wet earth, in the fresh night air, in my open mind, and back to earth again
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- May 2007
What child is this?
May 21, 2007
the words are flowing out of my mind into the computer and i can't seem to stop the deluge of video reels that are playing like a marathon of bad B movies none making any real sense no plot lines with mediocre dialog and a host of unknown players all this just playing in the monochrome movie theater of my mind's eye over and over like so many broken records that are left scratched and dusty in a cardboard box kept in the corner of theattic of my mind...
What sense am i to make of all this wreckage that i see that i hear that i remember of faces and voices of friends and enemies and the long forgotten feelings of times and instances gone by like the flash of lightening bolt seen through this endless sea of memory covered gauze curtains blowing in the sweet winds of a long lost, long forgotten sanity there is no definition....
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- May 2007
Current mood:
weird
weirdWhat child is this?
my mind is reeling there are so many thoughts racing through my head and i can't seem to make sense of the images everything like a whirlwind of memories and thoughts and dreams and nightmares spinning out of control taking my sanity with it...the words are flowing out of my mind into the computer and i can't seem to stop the deluge of video reels that are playing like a marathon of bad B movies none making any real sense no plot lines with mediocre dialog and a host of unknown players all this just playing in the monochrome movie theater of my mind's eye over and over like so many broken records that are left scratched and dusty in a cardboard box kept in the corner of theattic of my mind...
What sense am i to make of all this wreckage that i see that i hear that i remember of faces and voices of friends and enemies and the long forgotten feelings of times and instances gone by like the flash of lightening bolt seen through this endless sea of memory covered gauze curtains blowing in the sweet winds of a long lost, long forgotten sanity there is no definition....
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- May 2007
Blurred lines
May 15, 2007
confusion born
there is no true definiton
it is all in the perception
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- May 2007
Current mood:calm
calmblurred lines
blurred lines, rolling fogconfusion born
there is no true definiton
it is all in the perception
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- May 2007
My Heart Once Beat For You
May 9, 2007
Current mood:
peaceful
peacefulMy Heart Once Beat For You
At the first sight of you my heart was whole
As it grew to know you it grew in love
It's beat grew stronger, and when you drew near they grew quicker
My heart swelled so full that at times it felt like it would burst
The mere whisper of your voice, your breath like a warm breeze on my neck, the slightest touch of your hand...
My heart knew you, my heart loved you...
Then it happened one day that my heart skipped a beat...
It skipped a beat at the coldness it unexpectedidly felt...
With the harshness of your words, the way you turned away, pulled your hand away from mine
In that instant a piece of my heart fell away
But still it would try to beat with the same fervor as before...
At the sound of your voice, at the slightest glance made my way, with tiny smiles it perceived...
My heart knew you, my heart loved you
Yet again came a night, when my heart skipped a beat
The coldness it felt, and the aching so deep, was something so profound that it skipped one more beat
The words that you said- inflicted wounds that would not heal, the cold shoulder you gave- as the tears poured out new, then with silence so deep- you rewarded my love...
A few more pieces of my heart fell away with every unkind word and harsh look made my way
Yet in vain my heart knew you, my heart loved you
No more glances, or wayward touches, no longing looks, or playful words...
There was not fruit for my heart's labor, no harvest to collect, only pain and sadness lingered as it slowed within my breast
One last pathetic effort was put forth by my poor heart once more
It was in the form of begging, and in pleading its poor case, But on deaf ears all the crying fell, and no avail did it make
For your decision had been made, and it was not my heart that you made yours, but another heart that beat for you was the choice that was made clear.
Then again my heart it shuddered as it skipped another beat...
And more pieces of it fell and gathered on the floor next to my feet..
Yet my heart still thought it knew you, and still wanted so much to love...
So weakened, now it listened to the anger in your voice, to the curses that you screamed at me, felt the lack of care in every push...
A pain so fierce it jarred the core of me, as I felt my heart give out, felt my life force rushing from me, wounds so deep that I passed out.
In the morning when I woke up, I was startled by what I found.
My heart still strongly beat within me, though it was torn, and ripped apart
But with every breath that I drew in, and every dawn with morning dew
My heart grew and became stronger but now it beats no more for you...
My heart will always longing remember that she once knew and once loved....YOU.
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- May 2007
The Electricity Is Off
May 4, 2007
Who are you to randomly fuck me
I paid what I had, all I had
I went without food
Living on stale cereal and water
You don't see or care about my life
You don't know how my heart sinks into the depths of my tired soul
When I wake up to darkness and quiet in my electricityless house.
To you- Catarina Cardenas
Who put the order to accept full payment or no payment
You- Ms. Cardenas
Who took all I had and still stabbed me in the back
You- you heartless CPS whore
Who doesn't care that I don't have the money to pay it all today.
I paid all I had, all I could.
You- Queen of Hearts
Screaming, "Off with their heads!!!!"
How many more did you punish today?
Was it the single mom?
Working hard at two jobs to support three kids
Living in a delapitated apartment building
Who paid what she could, all she could
Now what little she did have will spoil and little Juanito's milk will sour
While she desperately stands on a street corner
Hoping to earn enough money just to turn the damn electricity back on
Enduring a stranger's sweaty, grease covered body on top of hers
Ravaging her, pawing her with filthy, dirty hands
Just so that You- Catarina Cardenas
Can do a job well done
Or perhaps it was the old man and woman
Who live on a small fixed income
Where the wife is ill
And it's get the medicine or pay the electricity bill
He worries and works his tired old body to death
Cutting lawns, doing odd jobs, and anything else just to get by
Who has to bury his pride and steal a moldy loaf of bread
Just so that he and his sick wife can have something to eat
And do You- Oh CPS Grim Reaper
DO YOU SEE?
NO
You- behind you solid oak desk
With you botox injected face and bleached blonde hair
With your happy little family pictures and the "My Money and My Daughter go to A&M" bumper sticker on the back of your 2007 Toyota Highlander life.
The Electricity Is Off
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- May 2007
Current mood:creative
creativeThe Electricity Is Off
Fucking bitchWho are you to randomly fuck me
I paid what I had, all I had
I went without food
Living on stale cereal and water
You don't see or care about my life
You don't know how my heart sinks into the depths of my tired soul
When I wake up to darkness and quiet in my electricityless house.
To you- Catarina Cardenas
Who put the order to accept full payment or no payment
You- Ms. Cardenas
Who took all I had and still stabbed me in the back
You- you heartless CPS whore
Who doesn't care that I don't have the money to pay it all today.
I paid all I had, all I could.
You- Queen of Hearts
Screaming, "Off with their heads!!!!"
How many more did you punish today?
Was it the single mom?
Working hard at two jobs to support three kids
Living in a delapitated apartment building
Who paid what she could, all she could
Now what little she did have will spoil and little Juanito's milk will sour
While she desperately stands on a street corner
Hoping to earn enough money just to turn the damn electricity back on
Enduring a stranger's sweaty, grease covered body on top of hers
Ravaging her, pawing her with filthy, dirty hands
Just so that You- Catarina Cardenas
Can do a job well done
Or perhaps it was the old man and woman
Who live on a small fixed income
Where the wife is ill
And it's get the medicine or pay the electricity bill
He worries and works his tired old body to death
Cutting lawns, doing odd jobs, and anything else just to get by
Who has to bury his pride and steal a moldy loaf of bread
Just so that he and his sick wife can have something to eat
And do You- Oh CPS Grim Reaper
DO YOU SEE?
NO
You- behind you solid oak desk
With you botox injected face and bleached blonde hair
With your happy little family pictures and the "My Money and My Daughter go to A&M" bumper sticker on the back of your 2007 Toyota Highlander life.
The Electricity Is Off
Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- May 2007
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