Damn this Bi-Polar disorder

Jan 31, 2008

Current mood:aggravated

Damn this Bi-Polar disorder

There are so many thoughts that cloud my mind, and none of them seem to make sense. My bi-polarism seems to have taken a horrible swing and I am not sure if I can survive the dip this time. The dark thoughts that come with the downfall in mood swings fills my every waking moment. I try in vain to be positive (It's much easier being positive for others than it is for myself). I am finding it more and more difficult to pick myself up and give myself a reason to keep going. Everything is so random, my thoughts, my actions, my decisions. People that depend on me for positive support come to me for my usual uplifting sentiments, and frankly, I'm running so low that it is taking every ounce of energy not to lash out in anger and just tell people to screw off. I try to do the whole self talk thing, but all that keeps coming to my mind is negative and dark. I scare myself, and I can't even believe that I'm even blogging about this crap. Even this is random and all over the place. I can't even control my damn thoughts right now. I can't escape the feeling of wanting to run and be alone. I want to protect those around me from my rath and feel like it's better to just be alone. It's freaking pathetic. I am angered by my weakness and inablility to reign this in. Everything sends me into uncontollable anger or incessant crying. I am at a loss, but I keep telling myself to bear through it and it will come to pass. Before I know it I'll be on an upswing and be back to the other person I am. My decisions are irrational and I am putting everything at risk. I want to just allow myself to be engulfed in the fog that is rolling in. The people in my life claim to be in understanding of this damn disorder, but really, they are not. They tip toe around me and edit themselves or simply just hide away. I don't blame them. If I were them, I wouldn't want to be involved with me either. I feel so completely unhinged and crazy right now. These are the times when I want to put my fist through glass or do the most random acts of damage to myself for no good freakin reason. If this is frightening you, I apologize, but imagine for a moment feeling like this. It doesn't help that the person closest to me is going through mad struggles of their own. Still, I continue to be supportive of this person, and like me, this person just pushes me away, lashes out in anger (that I'm not even sure they're aware of), and becomes withdrawn and indifferent. Is it that they don't want to cause me hurt, or that they don't want to be hurt, or that they are not aware, or that this person just truly doesn't care? The "what if's" and "should've, could've, would've's" are killing us both.  I feel this person suffering as deeply as I feel my own. I don't know what to do. I just don't know where to turn. To quote this person, "I stand alone."


Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- Feb. 08