Damn

Nov 25, 2006

Current mood:numb

Damn

I find it extremely interesting how one can self sabotage their own life. Why do we do it? Is it that there is something deeply ingrained in us that has a need for drama and dysfuntion? Is it a self fullfilling prophecy that we hold in the deep recesses of our minds that slowly seeps out, coming to fruition, to prove to everyone and mostly yourself that you are indeed the failure they already think you are? Maybe it is out of complete utter boredom and contempt for your suppossedly content life. In any case, I currently find myself in self sabotage mode.
My life is good. I have no right to complain. I have a decent job that pays ok. I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I have a devoted husband thats not a drunk, or an abuser. I have a great family. You know, two dogs, two cats, white picket fence...2007 Toyota Land Cruiser in the driveway......ok, the Land Cruiser is a falacy. So what the hell, right? People dream of having my life. Still, I find myself seeking out something else.
I've become this different person. It's like I'm standing outside myself watching. I  stand amazed and aghast at my actions. Nothing...Numbness...

Marissa Hokulani Kamamalu Gibson- November 2006